don't mean a thang

the boyfriend and i are going on a cruise next week, and we'll be gone for 8 days.

no, that does not mean you can break into my house.

yes, that does mean i'll be completely without internet access and will therefore not be blog posting.

will i survive the temporary break from the internet world?  no texting, no phone calls, no email or blog?

we.shall.see.  somehow i feel the ample sun, sex, sand and beverages will get me by...

but the above isn't the point of this post.  what matters is what i have noticed as i have been preparing for a week of bikini-driven body-exposure.  i've been criticizing my body more than usual.  in an effort to be "bikini-body-ready" while strutting my stuff half-naked on board, i have been making the days (weeks) leading up to the cruise less enjoyable.

doesn't this almost negate the positive rewards of vacation?  the pre-vacation body hate?

yes.  i, like many other females, struggle with body image issues.

i look in the mirror and see something which i'd bet is quite different from what you see when i'm standing in front of you.  and i'm willing to bet that what you notice in the mirror isn't exactly what the rest of the world sees when we check out your hot bod.


when i think of this skewed sense of self-perception, i think of the point at which i was most blind. 5 years ago.

in the photo to the left, i felt as if i looked like the girl to the right. fit, healthy, awesome.

except i was the moron on the left.

i weighed about 85 pounds in this picture.  this is Not Hot.  ever.

clearly, there was a major self-perception issue here.

and i don't think i'm alone.

we are our own greatest critics.  and we need a reality check.

never fear:  i no longer look like the photo above.  but i fully realize that my perception is still skewed in an unfavorable direction with regard to myself.

i look in the mirror and focus on my flaws.  i see extra volume where i wish it weren't.  i undervalue the curves that most humans view to be attractive - and healthy.

i hear beautiful friends tell me, all the time, what they don't like about their own bodies.  the parts of their bodies that make them human, the beautiful "flaws" that no one else really notices.

honestly...unless they love you enough to care about how you feel, no one else really even cares.

you tell me your ass is fat.  i think your tush looks great in those jeans.

you tell me your hair is a mess.  i'm jealous that you're so naturally beautiful.

you tell me i look great.  i think about all my flaws you don't see.

seriously, why do we even try to vent about body qualms with loved ones?  when we vent our feelings to friends, family, lovers, etc., we don't take their responses seriously.  in one ear, out the other, "they have to say that" or "they're only trying to make me feel better"

why is it that the opinion of people outside our innermost circle means more to us than from our loved ones when it comes to the way we look?


my mom tells me, "you look great in that dress."  eh, thanks mom.  1/2 point goes toward self-image.
random stranger at the gas station tells me i'm lookin' nice today.  10 points.
my boyfriend tells me, "i think you are beautiful."  thanks, babe...1 point.
old dude bagging my groceries calls me "pretty lady"...6 points.

what the fuck do i care what randos think of me?  why does it do more for my self-image?

don't pretend as if you're not in the same boat as me.  what skewed us up in the first place?



standing in front of the bathroom mirror last weekend, my boyfriend caught me criticizing my physique in front of the mirror.  he told me to relax, i look great.  he was rewarded with a grimace.

standing behind me, he did something which no one has ever done.  he covered my eyes with his hands, and he made me visualize my body the way that he sees it.

"you know what i see, amy?  i see strong shoulders.  i see a beautiful neckline.  i see toned arms and a sexy body."

i tried to take his hands off of my eyes.  to no avail.

"i want you to see yourself the way that i see you.  you are beautiful."


we stood there, both silently contemplating the distance between reality and my self-perception.  i know he is right.  i know i am overly critical of myself.  and i am determined to lay off and love myself regardless of ugly visions enhanced by a looming vacation.

i wish all girls could have that same sort of moment.  a moment in which your own eyes are closed, and you are forced to see yourself the way others see you.  it's beautiful, and it's real.