smart girl, wrong guy

let me set the scene.  it's monday.  i am the only one currently in my office, so the heels have been kicked carelessly into the corner of my office, my bare feet are crossed as i sit indian-style in my comfy leather chair, pandora radio is blaring from my computer, and i have been slowly reviewing my tasks for the day.  i love having the office to myself.

i now have the perfect opportunity to ponder.  and so ponder i shall.

current topic on my morning brain wavelengths...why do smart girls go for the wrong guys?

for the remainder of this post, i will refer to these smart girls as "hopefuls"

the wrong guys can fall into various categories; honestly, too many to adequately cover.  with a consciousness that the simple "asshole" category is a lazy way to inappropriately create an umbrella excuse or stereotype, i'll provide a smattering of more thoughtful examples below:

1.  taken
admit it.  we have all secretly imagined what it would be like to "be" with some other person's boyfriend.  the pre-validated partner who has had every opportunity to show us just how great a significant other he can be.  he doesn't just have potential.  he's got a successful track record.  he appears to be a "safe" bet.

for most of us, this stops at a miniature, never-to-be-realized or acted-upon crush.  we can be happy for the lucky lady who snagged him and hope to find one of our own.  for others, this turns into a passive-aggressive, subtle, flirtatious relationship over which hours upon hours are spent dreaming up scenarios in which the current girlfriend miraculously drops off the face of the earth and is replaced by the "clearly" more appropriate hopeful.  these hopefuls see all of the fantastic qualities of the man, either ignoring the same qualities of their girlfriend or picking apart her less-than-perfect attributes in which the hopeful finds herself to be more qualified.

the taken man may go so far as to provide positive feedback to the hopeful, expressing his appreciation for her good qualities and perhaps even dishing on the inadequacies of his current relationship.  keep in mind - his current relationship is one which he has chosen, and activation energy required to actually break his obligation (regardless of infidelities he may partake in with the hopeful) is often times so high that hopefuls have no hope at all of generating their desired outcome.  they'll get used.

2.  emotionally unavailable
these men are either recently damaged by a prior love or in personal turmoil of their own creation.  regardless of the source of distress, these men are not in the stable, confident place which promotes the healthy development of a romantic relationship.  they are unsure of themselves and generally prone to be indecisive and untrusting of their own feelings.  they are highly unlikely to make themselves further vulnerable for anyone, most of all a woman.  if a hopeful has the "luck" of snagging one of these men, the attachment is only half-hearted at best.  the man didn't have his whole self to dedicate to her in the first place.  he's broken.  he needs to find his own way before he can determine where he's going and who he'll be going there with.  she'll end up waiting around to be ultimately disappointed.

3.  geographically challenged
these men appear almost perfect in every way apart from the distance between them and the hopeful.  distance makes the heart grow fonder - for a woman, this is often times true.  for men, most often the saying "out of sight, out of mind" will suffice.  men - if i'm not doing you justice, comment below.  the good qualities of men seem even better, more enhanced, from a distance.  their bad qualities are more difficult to perceive and are often not expressed in the short periods in which these men have the opportunity to share time with the hopeful.  in the event that bad qualities are made evident, time and distance are excellent in their ability to diminish memory of them.

true compatibility between people is discovered when long period of time are spent together - physically, in the same location.  you experience the full picture of the individual, good and bad, and learn whether or not there is a good "fit" of complementary qualities.  until this point, it's just a weak experiment that serves to heighten emotion regardless of whether there is a reasonable basis for it.

with these men, unless there is an opportunity to (a) test the waters of compatibility in the same physical location and (b) a strategy in place to ultimately put the two of you in the same location semi-permanently, this is a pipe dream.  and it's a waste of time for the hopeful.

4.  narcissistic playboy
this type of man can be the most exciting.  they provide the ultimate highs when they pay attention to you, flattering the hopeful with their attention which so often is directed on themselves or other women.  they simultaneously provide opportunity for the ultimate lows.  these men think very highly of themselves - often times, they think so highly of themselves that it rubs off on the women they hang with, convincing the women that there is no doubt something fantastic about these men to make them so confident and in high-demand.  these men are not looking for a partnership with a woman.  they are self-seeking, looking for confirmation of their attractiveness and worthiness from anyone able to give it to them.  they think so much about themselves and their best interests that little space is left in their thoughts for even a deserving woman.  the hopeful will end up in the dust of these men.


i believe smart women allow themselves to "fall" for these men in subconscious romantic self-sabotage.  hopefuls are women not fully satisfied with themselves, not sure exactly of who they are or of their inherent worthiness.  they are searching, but aren't going to find what they need in a man.  they need time to finish developing before they are able to fully commit themselves, a version of themselves that they can respect and find value in without confirmation of others, to a real relationship.

i think that they are subconsciously aware of their hesitation to get themselves into a relationship that could really go somewhere.  and so they go for the wrong guys listed above.  they revel in the chase, they find temporary joy in small gains of attention and affection.  and then they allow their hearts to ache when the man of the moment doesn't call, doesn't show up, doesn't pursue them respectfully or make themselves equally as vulnerable.  hopefuls allow themselves to think that these heartbreaking experiences are unexpected, all the while deep down expecting it.  they are not yet ready for a relationship, and so they enter into pseudo-relationships with false hope as to them turning into a miraculous success.

i hurt for these hopefuls.  i was a hopeful for years.  no one can make a hopeful understand what isn't working until something "clicks" for them and they learn to find self-fulfillment and self-worth in something impenetrable and unrelated to their relationships with other people.

timing really is everything.  the men above are not permanently the "wrong guys" - most of them just need time to do the same self-searching and exercises in finding their own way as the hopefuls.

when the wrong guys develop into the right men, and the hopefuls develop into self-confident women, the right paths cross and love stories begin.

until then - wine helps :)