the nice guy

i am in love with a nice guy.  but i haven't always been.

a thoughtful friend brought something to my attention yesterday: the way my boyfriend handles my insecurities is sexy.  if you're not sure to what i'm referencing, check out my last post.

and my friend was right - it was sexy, and it is sexy.  what might seem like a small act of kindness to some is, to me, an incredible turn-on.

a "nice guy" (ng) has subtler ways of "sexy" that the not-so-nice-guys can't touch.

i am off limits to all but my ng, i'll never look back, and i hope to always be appreciative of the ng awesomeness.

if you don't have one of your own, i suggest you find yourself one.  and asap.  here's why.

let's call the not-so-nice-guys "bad boys", if only for ease.  to the dismay of the ng world, these bad boys are constantly pursued by women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and confidence levels.  but why?

why the emotionally masochistic female behavior?

bad boys are confident.  confidence is sexy, even when it's baseless.  bad boys seem unattainable.  seemingly difficult to predict, with a hard shell covering what we hope is a soft and gentle center, we hope to be "the one" who has what it takes to break them of their misguided lifestyles.  they're sure to see the light, as soon as we give them the opportunity to realize how effing fabulous we are.  they won't be able to live without us.  eventually they'll return the favor and repay all of our hard work in forms of affection, respect, and adoration.

right?

i've tried out this route a time or two.  i gave the bad boys the benefit of the doubt.

didn't return my call?  he probably missed it.  i'll call him again.  i'm sure he's incredibly busy - maybe he even lost his phone.  poor thing!

he doesn't ask me out on dates, but we spend time together when it's convenient for him.  i love just hanging out, i'm sure he just likes to spend quality time with me rather than wasting money on wining and dining.  he'll treat me like a princess when we get more serious...

prefers to have me hang with his friends instead of mine?  well, he hasn't met mine yet.  i'm sure he's just nervous, and is afraid my friends won't like him.  he's working up the courage to make a good impression.  i should just come to him and take the pressure off.

cancelled our plans because he's too busy?  it's clearly legitimate.  no way he's spending time with other girls, or prefers spending time with his friends over me.  he hasn't seen me in a week.  poor guy, he must miss me.  if only his life weren't so stressful.

excuses, excuses, excuses...we create them in order to avoid the thought that perhaps these guys just don't give half a damn about us.  and it's a waste of our time.

i once dated a guy who'd suggest i meet him after i got out of work and we'd do dinner.  all excited, i'd make sure i looked my best upon leaving the office and would drive to meet him at his place (he never came my way) anticipating a romantic evening he may have planned for me.

i'd park, let myself in (i'm a modern woman, no need for chivalry), and find him lounging on the couch.  in a dirty tshirt and sweats.  "aww..." i'd think, "he's so comfortable with me now, he's able to relax and be himself.  he knows he doesn't need to impress me."  i'd happily drop down beside him, asking him about his day without being asked about my own.  no problem.  "what do you want to do for dinner?" i'd ask. "well, i got hungry, so i ate a bunch of peanuts and other snacks.  i'm not hungry anymore.  let's watch football.  you o.k. with that?"

what'd i do at this point?  did i object, question him as to why he hadn't waited for me while i hurried over immediately after work?  did i suggest leaving his comfortable man cave so that we could snag take-out, a compromise which entailed a slight inconvenience for him?  no way.  i smiled, quelled my hunger pains, and provided evening entertainment until he was ready for me to go home.

and so it continued.  i didn't know any better...or did i?

no self-respecting woman puts up with the above shit forever.  relationships are a give and take operation, and excuses are only those: excuses.

we want to see the best in bad boys, and believe that there is some legitimate rationale behind their inconsiderate behavior.  let me tell you what it is: egocentricity.  their needs before yours.  their friends before yours.  their feelings before yours.  that is, if they even take the time to question what your feelings might be, or to contemplate the effect their choices have on you.

perhaps they'll grow out of it.  but it's not your job to wait around and find out.  don't waste your time.

while we're busy making excuses for bad boy behavior, abhoring the possibility that these "men" may just not effing care about us, the ngs are waiting in the wings, watching and wondering when we're ever going to learn.  they "get" what we don't.  they hear the bad boys talk.  if you haven't read "he's just not that into you", snag yourself a copy.  it was written by man.  and i suspect that, at heart, he's a ng.

when i first met my ng, i was in the midst of dating a slew of bad boys.  casually dating the cocky, suave, undependable love 'em and leave 'ems of the world.  as soon as my ng and i got to talking, i could tell he was different.

he was modest.  he was intelligent.  he asked questions.  and he listened.

when he didn't ask for my number, it drove me crazy.  alas, one of the trickier aspects of snagging a nice guy is making them feel confident enough to get things started.  and so, eventually, i forced my number on him.

our first hang-out?  an official date.  a nice date.  he opened doors, he was polite, he again asked questions and listened.  he made it clear that he wanted to impress me, he cared about my thoughts, my feelings, and was making an effort.

nice guys make an effort.  they make it clear that they want you.
nice guys don't assume you're interested in them just because they're so damn awesome.
nice guys call.  nice guys show up when expected.  nice guys are dependable.
nice guys aren't so blinded by their own "awesomeness" that they don't have time to think about you.
nice guys realize that you have feelings, too.  and that you are awesome.
nice guys are straight forward.  nice guys tell you what they're thinking.
nice guys don't need a harem of women to make themselves feel like a man.
nice guys work to earn physical affection.  and they appreciate it.
nice guys care about who you care about, and share in your world.
nice guys don't have a hard shell to crack.  they don't play games.
nice guys give a damn.

i now leave the office and head home to my ng.  i am greeted with affection and a "how was your day?"  he still listens.  he still opens doors.  he still cares.  i don't have to question his motives, or wonder if he's out prowling for ladies when i'm not around.  he takes the time to be romantic, to do the little things that make me swoon.

and he's effortlessly sexy.

he doesn't need a playboy wardrobe to knock me off my feet.  he doesn't need to maintain an air of mystery to keep me interested.

he engages in my world, and it turns me on.  he talks to my friends.  he loves them.  and it's hot.  he spends time with my family.  he supports them when needed.  he welcomes me into his world.  sharing worlds is sexy.

if he thinks i'm sick, he'll make pharmacy runs late at night.  he takes care of me.

when he sees me being trampled by others, he protects me.  he stands up for me when i don't stand up for myself.

he is my confidant.  my thoughtful lover.  my adviser.  my very best friend.

when you meet 'em, you'll know that they're different.  go for the ng.  don't settle for less.