poo post

for some of you that know me, i know what you're thinking:  it's about damn time.

that's right, we're going to talk about poop today.  #2.  the mass exodus.  evacuation.

everybody does it.  so let's not pretend.



i'm gonna go ahead and put it out there:  i go once a week.  that's right.  once.per.week.  that means 6 full days (sometimes more) with zero action.  nada.  hard-core unnatural camel action going on in my midsection.

and it sucks.

i've tried everything.  pills, syringes, awful tasting liquids - i've even consumed tablespoons full of mineral oil (i don't recommend this).  the doctors have explored, and given it to me straight:

your ass is broken.  you're just going to have to live with it.

ok.

and so i do.  i'm so used to it, at this point, that i look forward to my weekly event with fervor.  i forget that normal folks use the toilet daily in capacities that i do not.  i take advantage of the fact that i am rarely inconvenienced by my bowels.

i resent my dog for going three times a day.  it's as if he's flaunting it.  but he doesn't have the intestinal stamina that i do.  in fact, i'd say i am a superwoman in that arena.

i am a non-pooping rockstar.

when the event does commence, however, the world fades away.  nothing else matters, and i relish in every stomachache.  what to you may be painful is to me a cause for celebration.  freedom at last!

at least for this week.

for me, #2 is better than sex.  and i've had some great sex.  so you do the math.

my boyfriend gives me high fives.  my mother sends congratulatory texts.  my sister tells me i'm gross.  i don't care.  i emerge once a week with a healthy new glow, insides refreshed and feeling deeply cleansed.

you can judge me for my poo passion.  but don't be an asshole.  you do it too, and if you don't, you've got bigger problems than i do.

we all do it.  i do it once a week.  and i look forward to it.