tethered

my little brother is home from kuwait.  he joined the army about a year and a half ago, and recently spent 7 months abroad working in a team of intelligence army folk in what he described as "the vault."  it's natural to anticipate he would return home and experience some sort of culture shock.  which he has.

he's been locked indoors, exiting only to find sandstorms and 140 degree weather.  he has spent his time entirely with one group of people, military culture in which you dress alike, you eat together, and you follow a strict schedule.  everything is planned out for you, you know what to expect, you have a job to do.  and you belong.

home now, i was able to spend some time with him.  yesterday was my day, and i of course was most interested not in what he brought home, not in his pictures...but in how he was feeling.  about everything.

and so i asked him.

"i'm feeling lonely," he said, "i'm not quite sure what to do with myself here.  i think i'm going through culture shock.  and i'm not quite sure where i belong."  i was curious about this last part.  he's home now, isn't "home" in its essence the place where someone belongs?  and then i thought harder.  not necessarily.


our family is a modern one, as are many others.  products of divorce, my siblings and i no longer have a room to call our own in either house currently occupied by my parents.  guest bedrooms, yes.  but home-base...not quite.  the two halves of our family - our parents - will never again share the same space, which means our total of 5 will never again make a home the sort of which some families will forever be able to enjoy. 

where is home base?  my brother felt it upon returning home.  and i realized - i feel it, too.

we feel untethered.  we're not sure where we belong.

it's easier for my sister and i.  she has her husband.  i have my boyfriend.  even my parents have significant others.  my brother has us.  and we are all individual units.  four corners on a square and he's in the middle. 

i told him he's creating a new family for himself.  that's what happens when you get older.  right now, it's the army.  he belongs something that is greater than most people will ever have claim to.  a national family that provides safety, purpose, and lifelong bonds.  but i know it's not the same.

and i can't fix that.

i've had many reflective moments in my own life where i have felt untethered.  renting an apartment with a friend, working in a job which provided more worry than security, spending time with family when i was invited.  no key to mom's house.  no key to dad's house.  entirely on my own except for social visits.  i felt like a drifter.  my roots had disintegrated.  i felt lost.

it wasn't until i moved in with my boyfriend, into a purchased house, that i finally felt the initial stirrings of my developing "home base".  we got a dog, a source of endless joy and happiness.  unconditional love that makes you feel needed, and wanted.  and a partner who provides the same.

i'm at a point where i realize i will never be able to rely on my parents to give me a home base.  they are unable to be the roots of who i am.  and so i have determined to create my own. 

i'm on my way.  eventually, when we are "official", i think i will feel even more secure in my self-made family.  it's made up of me, my pup, and my boyfriend.  my friends also contribute to my sense of belonging. 

as society changes and children of messy divorces age, we're all going to experience this.  the sense that we are untethered.  wondering where we belong.  wishing there were a rule book to guide our forward momentum and encounters with a broken family. 

my best, and currently only, suggestion:  create your own.

i'm not sure what i can do to make my brother feel better.  to ease his burden, to help him figure out where he'll feel secure.  but i can help guide him as he develops his own.  i can ensure i am there to hold his hand, and let him know that he has a soft place to land if he makes a misstep.  that i won't let go, and he will forever be tied to me.

i'm also sure that some of my friends, the people i love, have felt the same.  i think it's an inevitable part of growing up, no matter who you are, or how functional your family.  to my friends, i want you to know: you are always welcome in the home i am creating.  and you will forever be tied to me, no matter where you drift.