story time.

let me tell you a story.  if it leads you to click the link at the bottom of this page, please accept my virtual high-five.  if you prefer that it be a virtual hug, consider it yours.  i hear i'm a talented virtual hugger...

(i promise to share a thoroughly awful and wonderfully humiliating story by the end of the week to make up for this one!  xo - aQ)

so here we go.

it's first semester, my junior year of college.  i'm 20, and i am unimaginably pumped to be heading to costa rica for my study abroad after christmas break.

younger drinking age!  sexy tanned bodies!  beautiful rainforests and stunning beach weekends! 

best of all, classes will be much, much easier.

....as soon as i get through this chem-packed semester (blech!).

and so i sit, on a saturday night, cross-legged at my dorm room desk.  the air is filled with james taylor tunes.  i have a beer in hand (the best way to study).  i am passionately skimming my way through the end of the chapter when my phone rings.  it's my mom.  i put the beer down (as if she could see me), and answer the phone.

"hey, sweetie - what are you doing for lunch tomorrow?  i was thinking of coming over to see you and take you out!"

as i ponder the time this will take away from my pre-test super-cram session, the opportunity for a free lunch wins out.  i am a poor college student, after all.

"that would be great!"  ...and plans are set.

she picks me up the next afternoon and brings me to my favorite spot - jason's deli.  the place of the amy-style sandwiches and salad bar of heaven...with the bonus of free soft-serve ice cream!!

she chooses a table outside and we begin our ritual - mother-daughter small talk over my free meal.  we talk boys (not yet into "men" territory), we talk the stress of upcoming exams, we talk the last time i washed my sheets (it had been a while) and we talk about how glorious costa rica is going to be.

and then she does something unusual...she gets quiet (something the Q women are not known for ever doing).  she clears her throat.  and then she makes eye contact.

"so, ame, i brought you here to tell you something.  and i want you to know i love you very much."

this can't be good....nothing good starts out with 'i brought you here to tell you something.' 

as my mind races, i try to figure out what she's about to say before she says it.

some of the contemplated options:

• she feels uncomfortable with me traveling so far away for study abroad?  we've already tackled that.
• one of my siblings got into a car accident?  i would have seen a text.
• she's displeased with my grades?  wait till she sees how i blow away this exam!

and then it hits me.  it has to be!  divorce.  the dirty D.  she and my dad are splitting up, and she's trying to sing it to me softly.

divorce is something i can handle.  have prepared for, even.  i had seen the forecast, tested the wind, and totally saw this one coming. 

unpleasant?  sure.  but something i at least feel somewhat prepared for.

i settle comfortably in my chair, ready to be "surprised", and let her tell me her way.

...i was so, incredibly wrong... (please note: divorce does actually happen...just give it 2 years)

"honey...i have cancer.  it's breast cancer. i have been scheduled for surgery, and will begin chemotherapy shortly after."

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WORLD STOPS.

......whhhhhatttt? 

WORLD SPINS.

.....these things only happen to other people, not my family....

REFOCUS.

...but she looks so healthy!
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.
.
.

this was, without a doubt, NOT something i had planned for.  could have prepared for.  was ready to hear...or would ever be ready to hear.

my eyes hurriedly reviewed my mother. 

she still looked the same.  beautiful hair, perfect complexion, fit physique and everything i was used to.  there was no coughing, no sneezing, no signs of fever or pain.  she was the same mother who tucked me into bed at night.  helped me with my homework.  dressed me up for prom and dropped me off for college.

she looked so healthy.  so normal.

but she was sick.  with something that could kill her.  and there wasn't a damn thing in the world i could do about it.

after some initial questions, confusion and moments of silence, my mom restarted the conversation.

"i know you have been looking forward to going to costa rica.  and i still want you to go.  i have plenty of support here as i go through my chemotherapy, and there is no point in you staying here just to watch me get sicker.  i love you, and i think it's best if you plan to go through with your study abroad."

first thought:  but what if something happens to her while i'm gone!?
second thought: what an easy out...an escape from the hard new facts of life. 

selfish, i know.  but honest.  i don't think anyone can ever prepare to learn that a loved one has cancer.  we all deal with it differently.  sometimes an escape seems like the only way to cope.

a few months later, i went to costa rica.

while i was gone, i focused on other things.  i played with spanish.  i turned 21.  i met new friends, traveled to distant beaches, and tried to tell myself that i was having the time of my life.  i distanced myself from home.

my mothers was a very different reality. 

she slept on the couch, too tired to make it from her bedroom to the living area every day.  she underwent a double mastectomy (removal of both breasts) and lost her sense of womanhood.  she went to chemotherapy and tried to hold her food down as waves of nausea passed over her.  for months.  life as she knew it was replaced by doctor appointments, infusions of poisonous "medicine", exhaustion and isolation.

i will never forget the day i came home.

it had been almost six months, and as i was lowered by the escalator she came into view.

she was smiling in her pink bandana, covering the bald head she was left with after the hair fell out.  she wore a loose-fitting top to hide the concave space where her breasts used to be.  and she was thin.  so thin.

this was one of the most difficult times of my entire life.  i cannot imagine the depth of her pain, sense of loss, and fear.

but we got through it.  the months wore on, and she fought.  the hair slowly came back - gray and wavy in place of the silky blonde we were so used to.  she underwent reconstructive surgery, and began to feel more like a woman again.

7 years later i am so thrilled to report:  i still have my mother. 

she has been in remission for a few years now, and she's looking better than ever.

we know we're the lucky ones.  not everyone made it this far.

mom at my graduation in 2007...feeling more like herself!

and this is where i get to the real purpose of this blog post.  the reason i shared this personal glimpse into my life 7 years ago.

despite any recent controversy, the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation is by far the most effective and powerful player in the fight against the disease that tried to take my mother away from the world.  Komen raises funds for research, for education, for prevention and social support.

in large part, Komen raises the funds to support the cause through large events and fundraisers.  and this is where you come in.

in october of this year, i will be walking 60 miles over the course of 3 days in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day event.  my mother and sister beside me, we will be walking to raise awareness, walking to provide support to those still fighting, and walking as a symbol of the financial support we were able to bring to the cause.

in order to walk, participants are challenged with raising $2,300.  it's no small number, but it's no small cause.

i cannot do it without your help. 

(THANK YOU to those friends and loved ones who have already donated!!!  This request is not of you.)

if you have any desire or means, i ask that you support me.  if you can think of anyone who might want to share in their support, i ask that you please send them my link (below).

every dollar counts.  every bit of help you give gets me a little closer to walking beside my mom and fighting to help all of the women who currently or will eventually have to combat breast cancer themselves.

here is a link to donation page: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2012/AtlantaEvent2012?px=6521434&pg=personal&fr_id=1761

to contribute, simply click the link on the top left hand side.

thank you.  thank you for reading.  thank you for taking the time to contemplate supporting me in the walk.  and if you do feel compelled to donate, put your hand up for my virtual high-five.  which will most likely be followed by my virtual hug.

love, aQ