love myths

while drinking my coffee before work this morning i read this article on oprah.com (yes, i read oprah.com...and i think you should, too). 



and i loved it. 

you know those, "ah-ha!" moments when you read the words of someone else, that feel as if you would have either said them, thought them, or are being described by them?  i had one of those moments this morning.

i've said it before, but i don't know that i have posted it up 'till now: i do not believe that "the one" exists.  i do not believe that there is simply one individual in the world specially designed for you, only you, and without whom you will be forever incomplete.  and i don't believe that you have to find fulfillment in romantic love in order to live a complete, happy, and love-filled life.

love is not so scarce.  but i'll delve into that further in a bit.

there is no "the one" - how about "a chosen one"
the first concept opens up all kinds of risks and anxiety-makers that (a) inhibit your own clarity in choosing someone to love romantically, (b) increase the likelihood that you'll pass up a wonderful partner and potential experiences while seeing if there's someone out there who's even more perfect for you, (c) can lead to an inability to enjoy solitude (not to be equated with loneliness) and time with yourself and (d) can dramatically decrease the quality of your daily life.

i won't deny that i've experienced (a) through (d) before.  but i learned from it.

it's a dangerous concept.  so let's throw it out.  consider alternative (healthier) perspectives.
there are billions of people in the world.  effin' billions, friend!  the only thing keeping you from finding someone(s) to love and love you back is you.  period.  i don't want to hear otherwise.

stop your whining.

at the right place and time, i believe, you could fall in place with all sorts of people.  if you know who you are, love who you are, and know what you want at that point in time.  you may have met several possible "ones" already, but if the timing wasn't right (you weren't ready, they weren't ready, the situation didn't promote development) then it's not going to develop.  you're not going to choose each other.  it doesn't mean they're not out there.  and it doesn't mean you're helpless against fate. 

get your ass in the drivers seat and do.your.part.

if you don't know who you are prior to seeking a relationship, you're not going to know what that "you" wants. proceeding in this line, you won't know what that "you" will want and/or need in a romantic partner. so why go on an emotional, empassioned and ultimately disheartening search blindly? it's been said before, and i'll say it again. you have to know yourself, love and accept that self, before you can find a partner who you can (a) make happy and (b) be made happy.

maybe you think you're not attractive enough to find your perfect mate.  redefine your definition of a perfect mate.  find someone you enjoy, and accept the physical (and other) flaws in other people the way in which you would hope for them to accept yours.  nobody is perfect.  even you.  don't expect your future romantic partner to be, either.

maybe you think you're in a bad city, a bad job, a situation in which you have zero opportunity to meet new people.  you're wrong, and you're making an excuse for yourself.  get your ass out and join a community group of some sort.  involve yourself in things outside of your job and your home.  make a damn effort.

i'm guilty
i'll admit it.  i used to have "the list" - line after line of requirements in my future mate.  man, was i immature.

first off - when creating this list, i didn't honestly consider who i was.  the fact that i (along with everyone else alive in the world) am continuously changing.  i didn't really know what i wanted, and so i developed a long, all-encompassing list in the hope that this description would create the ultimate partner who would fulfill me.  that was stupid.

i don't think that all lists are a waste of time.  but can't we keep 'em short?  decide what your "deal breakers" are.  not ten of them.  but a few.  and then go from there.  after whittling out those who are of major deal-breaker material, figure out which gentlemen make you happy.  allow you to be yourself.  stretch you a little, without sapping your self-confidence.  provide support and reliability, without promoting anxiety about their dealings when you're not around and/or feelings toward you.

i am in love with my boyfriend.  and i have dated around.  i know that my chosen man is not the only one with which deep feelings of compatibility are possible.  i've had them prior to him, and i'm sure that if things (heaven forbid) end in this relationship, i will find them again.

i know that he's not perfect.  he's not a complete fulfillment of my earlier wish lists.  but in many ways, he is so much more.  we are real people without make-up artists and editing rooms.  i accept his flaws just as he accepts mine (and trust me, i have many).  we're comfortable allowing our flaws to be seen - this is a big deal.   

he celebrates my strengths as i celebrate his.  we are comfortable sharing our successes with each other without fear of jealousy or resentment.  this is also a big deal.

it all comes down to making a choice.  perhaps every day.  you decide to love someone and you stick to it.  not because there's no one else out there.  but because you have found someone that "fits", that is capable of making you happy while giving you the confidence that you also make them happy.  someone that makes you feel valued and understood.  someone with whom you can visualize a future, someone who ultimately becomes your closest friend through shared experience and trust.  you build a life together.  that is invaluable.  that is an effin' good reason to stick around.  just because other folks out there could have been "a chosen one" doesn't mean you need to try them all out.

but you don't need a man to build an incredible life filled with experiences and trust. 

loving relationships of all kinds, with all folks
another idea i would like to dispell - the need for a romantic partner to experience love.

it is NOT FUCKING true. that idea is unreal. love is everywhere (i sounded like "love actually" there...a chick flick...didn't i?). you can love everyone you choose to love. and loving someone often leads to them loving you back.

love your friends. love your family. invest yourself in them. you can also build your lives together. you accept the same imperfections you would in a romantic relationship, and yours are similarly accepted. you can find the same reliability and trust.

it doesn't take a man. it certainly doesn't take only one man in the whole world.

in summary
i am thankful for my chosen partner, a man who has chosen me.  not because he's the only one out there for me, or because i'm the only woman in the world for him.  we made a choice, and we choose to build on it.

i am thankful for my friends, individuals who have chosen me as their friend.  not because they're the only people in the world i could ever be friends with.  but because we made a choice to be friends, and we choose to build on it.

it doesn't take a man.  it certainly doesn't take only one man in the whole world.  read the romance novels.  watch the chick flicks.  and then pull away, realize these were for entertainment only, and accept the fantastic nature of imperfections, acceptance, and existence of love and loving opportunities in every relationship.

alright.  done with my rant.  over and out.

(feel free to disagree with me - but i may think you're a nut.)

the big suck

i've been thinking today about relationships.  relationships worthy of maintenance, and those that may be less worthy. 

as we're getting older, we run into different friendship scenarios, but basically i have found that we find ourselves in one of two situations periodically:

(a) we have a hard time keeping in touch with old friends, and it's difficult to make new ones in adulthood.  you can't just strike up conversation in the sandbox or playground anymore.
(b) we've held onto all of our old friends and have gathered groups of new friends as well.  we have a hard time deciding how to divide our time in order to maintain all of the relationships.

having just typed those two scenarios out, i realized that i lied above.  well, not really lied - i just hadn't really thought it through.  because, the reality is, at this very moment i am sort of in between.  negating how i feel when i'm pms-ing (during which i emotionally convince myself on a monthly basis that i have no friends and am unloved), i have several "old" wonderful friends as well as new and newer friends whom i care for and try my best to keep in touch with. 

i'm not saying that scenarios (a) and (b) aren't important or true, but i suppose i must admit it's not just one or the other.  and you can fluctuate between the two, to be sure, depending on other worldly distractions at any given time in your life.

anyway...i have been thinking today about relationships as i realized: i am making new friends within my career.  not friends who work in my company, necessarily, but those i meet in the industry.  people i have slowly gotten to know over the year i have been in my current role and have grown to care for.  just like i would a friend. 

and i love it.  days like these, when i am able to meet up with several of these work-related buddies throughout the day (for business purposes while intermingling personal updates), i feel productive and fulfilled on a deeper level than others.  i feel connected to my work, and to the people that facilitate my work.  i like it.

i determined that the reason i have connected with these folks has little to do with things we necessarily have in common, gender, or even age.  it has more to do with who is willing to share, who is willing to listen, and how i feel after leaving our meeting.

when i leave meetings with these folks, i feel full.  emotionally full.  capable.  and supported.

the same goes with my non-industry friendships.  old and new ones.

 or, at least, with most of them.  not all.

which is where we come to the big suck.

everyone has them, some more than others.  those friends whom you care about, but drain you.  after spending time with them, you leave feeling what i call "the big suck" - they are energy sucker-outers, motivation-killers, downers, whatever you want to call them.

rather than leaving feeling more capable, more powerful, more connected, and more loved, you feel down.  you feel confused.  anxious.  sometimes you just can't put your finger on it.  that's the big suck. technical term.

the question i have posed in my mind is this: what to do with relationships that cause the big suck effect?  let's call it the bse.  easier.

is a sense of obligation toward an individual more powerful than the impact of the bse?  is obligation more worthy of attention than your own well-being? 

what do these relationships do to us?  and how to handle them?

i have tried the "divorce a friend" method before.  while sometimes it ends in a peaceful silence, it also has the ability to create even further tension.  or, in best case scenarios, you reconnect and find that the bse you used to experience with this individual has been replaced by the mnse (majorly not-sucking effect).  after-glow, friend-style.  but you never really know.

what i do know.  people change over time.  i certainly do.  so perhaps a "break" is what is needed, in order to allow both of you to grow, with the eventual hope that the big suck factor will be eliminated with time?  share your thoughts.

my current thought, now that i have described the bse...i certainly hope that i'm not an energy sucker-outer.  a downer.  if so, please temporarily divorce me and then give me another chance. 



i promise to try to induce the mnse as often as possible.  and thank you to those of my dear friends who provide this to me :)

date night

i had a fantastic, much-needed weekend of relaxation and one-on-one time with my main man.

after a "holiday" of running from place to place, hanging in groups and fulfilling obligations, we were both in dire need of some down time.  time to decompress, hold hands, talk to each other, and ignore the rest of the world for a bit.

(don't get me wrong - i loooove social engagements.  but a string of them needs to be followed by "me" time.)

the boyfriend and i did that this weekend.  we relaxed.  together.  our "me" time became "we" time, which - in a wonderful relationship - is often times just as good if not better than "me" time.  it takes little to no effort.  it provides comfort and support at no expense to one another.  it fills my love tank (interpret that how you will).

a few times throughout our relationship, i have feared that things may be growing stale.  that we had found a place of comfort with one another, and were following a routine we had found that worked for practical purposes but did little to bring us closer and/or keep us "in love" - the spark was dimming.

i understand that in long-term relationships this is normal.  the fire grows and fades, but it doesn't have to die.  it can come back stronger than ever if you tend to it appropriately.  it doesn't require brain science and it doesn't take superhuman strength.  in the right relationship, it just takes communication and intentional care.  and so the boyfriend and i have talked about it.

i'm pretty sure that i'm the higher-maintenance "log" in the kindling.  the boyfriend is easier to satisfy.

or so he seems. 

if i think about it, i'm pretty sure that the major difference between us is my sensitivity to our current level of closeness, and to the condition of our "fire". i'm pretty sure that, similar to many men, the boyfriend probably wouldn't remember to tend to the fire unless he started to get pretty effin' cold and realized it had gone out.  i'm not comfortable letting things get anywhere near to chilly.  and so i initiate conversation.

to my great fortune:  my man is a great listener.  and he responds promptly.  my perfect partner, i say the word, and he reacts accordingly.  please note: i try my best not to take selfish advantage of him with my understanding of his aforementioned standard response to my requests.

toward the end of last week, he suggested we try out a new restaurant.  a tapas bar located nearby to our home, one which we had never together visited.  i was excited.  i looked forward to it for days.  we made plans to get there early, planned our day accordingly, and made an effort to look our best for each other.  he.looked.yummy.


settling into a leather sofa in a private area of the dining room, we ordered a bottle of wine and chose a selection of tapas that suited each of us.  we sat beside each other, we held hands, we looked at each other, and we talked.  at one point in our conversation, he stopped and suddenly said,  "i am so in love with you."  after more than two and a half years, that still makes my heart flutter.

i often play games in my head, and i did it that night.  having left to go to the ladies room, i began returning to my seat and stopped, looking at him from a distance from a few moments.  if i were single and in a bar right now, i thought, would i approach him?  would i see him in a crowded room and want this man to notice me?  my answer:  abso-fuckin-lutely.  i am more attracted to him now than ever, and i know that we've still got it.  the spark is alive.  and it's still exciting.

the best part of date night with my man is the fact that, while we can revisit the feelings of our early days, we don't have to worry about how the night is going to end.  we can take comfort in our routinely shared pleasures after the "date" part is over.  we pick up frozen yogurt on the way home.  we put on our pjs.  we cuddle up together (with our pup) and don't worry about whether or not this is going to "work out" - because it is working. 

i don't care that we have to make an effort to schedule date nights.  i love them.  and it still works for us.

let's now open this to the bigger picture.  to the whole of monogamy and the recent trend of keeping things fresh with "date nights".

criticism toward the above trend has developed.  criticism suggesting that, by planning these date nights in advance, couples are forcing one-on-ones and therefore excluding the romantic aspects that used to exist during the earlier days of dating.  that the planning inserts into "date night" a regularity that kills the sexiness of spontaneity. 

i generally disagree, but have to allow for the possibility that some folks just get it wrong.

let me explain my perspective. 

yes, i do believe that date nights can be overplanned.  say, for example, that every thursday evening is sectioned off for one-on-one time with your partner.  does this help or hinder your spark?

i think it depends on the couple.  it depends on how you work together.  is one of you always responsible for the planning?  do you go to the same place, do the same things, every week?  or do you both share in making an effort to insert novelty into your relationship?  do you share the burden of planning and allow your partner (and yourself) to relax, unwind, and enjoy this pre-planned together time?  do you schlep out with your guy in whatever you happened to be wearing, or do you put in some time to make sure you look, and feel, attractive?  does he?

date nights planned in advance are not necessarily synonymous with "routine" - if you do it right. 

planning (one of my many loves), while criticised, is necessary for practical reasons.  restaurant and event reservations.  blocking off enough time with your loved one so that you do not feel rushed.  a set date gives you both something to look forward to, especially if you include an element of novelty. 

don't go to the same restaurant every time.  don't go through the same routine.  dinner and a movie can get old quickly, so why not do dinner and a walk around a developing neighborhood, popping into homes under construction (sometimes risky) or visiting the airport observatory.  how about drinks and shared appetizers at a new bar, or taking a longer-than-usual drive to a highly-ranked restaurant? 

it doesn't even have to involve going out.  why not pick out a new recipe together, get dressed up for each other, and play chef in the kitchen while listening to 80's music?  pull out an old jenga set and grab a bottle of wine.  turn on an old movie, sit in your sexiest undies, and have a floor picnic in your living room.  if you give it some thought, the options are endless.

i stand in support of date night.  i would choose my man again and again if i had to.  and i will not forget to tend the flame.

faking it

no, i'm not talking about faking what you think i'm talking about.  in fact, i'm talking about faking having done something that i am a huge proponent of actually doing: exercise.  physical fitness.

a few weeks ago i ran across a post on the stir by cafemom (don't judge me) and i couldn't get the hilarity of it off my mind...and so i have decided to share.  feel free to suggest additional means of "fitness" trickery.

note: i do not, in fact, support nixing exercise...but if you are so inclined to do so, i think the strategies listed below are effin' awesome...and will help to burn calories if you enjoy belly laughs while reading them!

here we go...

STEP ONE: Complain about how sore you are after going back to the gym. Even if you haven't been near a Pilates class since 2002, if you want people to think you're taking your health in hand, complain about it. Your quadriceps (or "thighs") are burning every time you go up or downstairs. Your arms are so sore you can barely lift a spoonful of low-fat yogurt to your mouth. Man, are you working hard!

STEP TWO: Don't eat in public. The last thing you want right now is someone judging what you're putting in your mouth. If it's not cold lettuce sprinkled with lemon juice and shame, somebody's going to have an opinion about it. Stay one step ahead of them all and, at least while you're out and about, don't ingest anything more complicated than bottled water and gum for the next six months.

STEP THREE: Learn the latest diet vocabulary. Just because you're not eating with people doesn't mean you can't talk with them about food. What diet are you doing? Paleo people don't eat any grains, just lots of meat and vegetables. Or maybe you're eliminating high-fructose corn syrup, additives, and trans-fats. Have you become a locavore, eating only in-season foods produced within a 100-mile radius of your house? Whatever the trend, stay on top of it!

STEP FOUR: Enlist a beard. Eventually you're going to crack and want to admit your sham lifestyle to someone, so pick a buddy who's willing to cover for you in case of emergencies. Did someone see you steal the last donut from the break room? Your beard will be the one who will loudly say, "Hey, thanks for getting that last donut for me!" during the staff meeting, thus crushing all suspicion that surrounds you. Hopefully.

STEP FIVE: Highlight your most athletic body parts. Just because you're not actually losing weight or eating better doesn't mean you can't dress the part. Workout wear can double as street-casual, especially if it has lots of Lycra in it and can partially function as shapewear. Good yoga pants made from a thick cotton-poly blend can smooth out all manner of lumpy butt problems, and a capri length pant can look extra sporty if you're blessed with shapely ankles. Running shoes are comfortable and suggest a commitment to athleticism.

STEP SIX: Appear to be shocked at how well your program is working. Around March or April, the time will be right for you to start marveling at how loose your pants have become. Tip: you will need to buy larger pants for this to work.

STEP SEVEN: Or, you could actually eat better and get some exercise. Consider signing up for MyPlate to track what you're eating and how many calories you're burning. (It's free.) I did it for four months last year and was amazed at how it kept me on track with eating more protein and good fats, and less carbs and sugar. I'm serious. No really. Try it.

do cows lay eggs?

i'm sorry, i cannot help myself.  it recently came to my attention that not everyone is aware of the definition of dairy.  and what food groups or types are encompassed within the realm of dairy.

biggest area of confusion: eggs.

it blows.my.mind.  literally brought me to a standstill, halts all other thoughts, and baffles me.  folks are not aware of the difference between eggs and dairy. 

both are animal byproducts.  but all animal byproducts are not dairy.  eggs, at the point at which we're purchasing and consuming them, are essentially a dead fetus.  nothing creamy about that. (let's not get creative if you want to dispute the creamy factor...)

it came to my attention last night, as i was chatting with someone who indicated they have sensitivity to dairy products.  she said, "you would be surprised at how many foods have dairy in them that you wouldn't expect.  like eggs." 

i paused.  confused.  then gave the benefit of the doubt.  "you mean, like, scrambled eggs?  can't you just not add milk?" 

her response: "eggs are dairy."

and then i laughted out loud, realizing her mistake and unable to eloquently form words.  in that moment, i sincerely believed she may be the one silly person in the world who thought that eggs were in some way a milk product. 

and then i started asking around.  and google searching.  and i realized: i was way, way too quick to judge.

first came my boyfriend.  "babe, please tell me that you realize eggs are not a dairy product."  his response floored me.  "maybe if i thought about it, i would say no, but my gut reaction probably would have been yes, eggs are dairy...i'm not sure i would really be able to tell you what the difference is."

for the record:  my boyfriend is one smart dude.

and so i continued.  i polled around the office.  out of five people, only one was able to confidently tell me that "no, eggs are not a dairy product - they're more of a meat, or a protein."  pretty close.  the others?  "yeah, eggs are dairy.  they're in the dairy section of the grocery store."

are grocery stores to blame for the confusion of the american consumer? 

i searched further.  i searched the glorious google.  and couldn't believe the response i found when i typed, "are eggs dairy" into the search bar.

site after site responded, suggesting that this is a commonplace misconception.  commonplace!?  absurd.  but true.

clearly, i have been too quick to judge.  what i have deemed common knowledge is, in fact, not so commonly understood after all.

so let's go through some basics.  have you ever seen a cow lay eggs?

have you ever seen a bird suckling her chicks?  even better - have you ever seen bird nipples!?  (if you have, show me a picture to prove it)

dairy products come from MILK. milk comes from mammals. mammals have nipples, with which they feed their babies. and, fortunately for some of us - human kind. cows milk. sheeps milk. goats milk. milk. 

birds and cows are entirely different animal classes.  birds are birds - or avians.  cows are mammals.  need a quick review?  animal classifications.

i am sorry to those whom i have been too quick to judge.  i hope i have appropriately informed you and am available to respond to questions (feel free to comment).

whew.  had to get that out of my system.

(for the record:  you DO have nipples.  so yes - you are a mammal.  just like a cow.)

what i really mean

i was thinking this morning, while my mind wandered on the treadmill, about how often i say things i don't really mean.  seriously.  i do it all of the time.

i made a resolution years ago to stop lying.  not that i was a terrible liar-jerk, but i had the tendency to lie my way out of uncomfortable situations in order to avoid tackling them head-on.  eventually, though, those lies come back to bite you in the ass.  you're either found out, or you become so resentful about something you consistently avoid dealing with that you ruin a relationship.

but that was a tangent.

when i say things i don't mean, i don't consider that to be lying.  i consider that to be lazy communication.  or a softer, more complimentary way of communicating a message that wouldn't sound nice coming out the way it sounds in my head. 

often times, i don't even realize i'm letting loose something i don't really believe.  it's like a reflex.  certain situations prompt superficial responses without any effort or thought going into them.

let me give you an example.  how 'bout several.

i'll set the scene.

walking through through the grocery store, my eyes get stuck on a wildly furry and confusing sweater.  one of those pieces that you can't determine whether it is a joke, an attempt at trend-setting, or just a big fat mistake.  i get caught by the wearer while staring and, clearly, ought to offer some sort of explanation.

"i really love your sweater." is what i say.  what do i actually mean? "what the hell were you thinking when you got dressed this morning?  and what species of animal had to die to create that?"

a friend flakes out on me last minute as i'm just arriving to meet up with her.  i say, "don't worry about it, we can do it another time."  what i really mean, "this is pretty inconvenient and i'm disappointed.  please don't do this again."

i woke up to dog puke on my bed.  my alarm didn't wake me, and i have 20 minutes to get ready for work.  i enter the office, clearly frazzled.  my colleagues say, "good morning, how are you today?"  i say, "great!"  i mean, "i have to say this so you don't think i'm a whiner, and i know you have no interest in the small details of my life.  i'm actually having a shitty morning."

i'm coming home from a night of drinking too much and i'm feeling nauseous.  i walk into the house and discover my boyfriend sitting with a stranger, apparently one of his old friends i've never met.  he says, "hi amy, i'm (blank), nice to meet you!"  i say, "nice to meet you, too.  i'm going to go puke now."  what i mean...ok, maybe that's a bad example.

i get a christmas present i know i'm never going to use.  the giver looks at me expectantly, waiting for a reaction.  i say, "this is perfect!  i didn't even know these existed.  how great."  what i mean, "this box is about to be relegated to the attic because i feel too bad to get rid of it, but have absolutely no use for it."

why do i do this?  i think it's clear.  in business settings, i don't want to burn a bridge...i especially don't want word to spread that i'm a gigantic bitch.  in the setting of friendship it may be a bit murkier, but i generally try not to let my initial disappointment lead to hurt feelings on the part of my friend.  and let's be real.  i'm sure i've pulled the same thing on them.  in a gift-giving situation, it's almost obligatory that you love gifts you recieve.  from anyone.  and everyone.  no matter what.  while the gift-giver may say they kept the reciept in case you don't want to keep their gift, what they really mean is, "i'd be incredibly hurt if you don't appreciate this gift i just spent time and money to pick for you.  don't fuck up the ambiance."

i know that other people do the same thing to me, and to everyone else.  someone says they love my pants, they're probably thinking, "interesting choice in outfit this morning."  i make my boyfriend cauliflour muffins as an experiment, and he says, "these are great, babe.  i'm just not really hungry."  what he really means, "i appreciate your creativity, but these are a big fail.  i'm going to eat a bowl of cereal when you're not looking because i'm starving."  mom tells me, "i love to help you out, and i don't mind cleaning toilets.  i had lots of time this afternoon."  what she really means, "you neglect your toilets and they disgust me.  i just did you a favor.  if you cleaned them more effectively, i wouldn't feel so compelled to do it while you're at work."  ps, i love my mother and the fact that she surprises me with a cleaner-than-i-left it home when she drops by ;)

where is this erroneous communication appropriate, and where is it bordering on a lie?  i'm pondering it.  please do, as well.  feel free to comment on your own examples, and/or your thoughts!

sterilization

i'm current reading a book called "unbroken" by laura hillenbrand, the author of "seabiscuit".  it popped up on my suggested list via my new favorite toy: the nook tablet.  so i bought it.  and started reading it. 



i learned more about world war two and the time period than i ever thought i'd want to learn.  but it's actually fairly interesting.  especially the time just prior to the war, in the early 1900s, in america, where they began a strange practice: eugenics.

eugenics means, basically, killing off the ability of certain individuals to procreate, therefore "cleaning up" the gene pool.  sterilization.

i'm not going to lie.  when encountering those i deem idiotic or wastes of space at grocery stores, in traffic, and elsewhere, it has certainly crossed my mind that "people like that ought not be allowed to procreate."  mean?  perhaps.  but absolutely true.

i would never, however, actually move to sterilize those people. 

i was thinking, as i read the description of the mentally and physically handicapped, criminal, and otherwise troubled individuals who were slated for sterilization, that this was something that happened long long ago, and probably only in backwards areas of the united states (and probably other areas of the world). 

and then i read this article: http://inamerica.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/10/north-carolina-to-decide-how-much-to-compensate-victims-of-forced-sterilization/?hpt=hp_bn1

what the fuck?  apparently, it was happening in north carolina, my home state, up until the 1970s.  the 70s!  that.is.nuts. 

would i have been chosen?  i do some dumb shit.  would you have been chosen?  holy cow!

now, folks are trying to determine how much money is owed to compensate those whose procreation was limited.  currently, $50k looks like the number.  but can you really put a number on an inability to create a family?  an inability to partner with someone who held childbearing as a dealmaker or breaker?

i don't know.  i'm not going to pretend.  but i think it's wild that something so outrageous (yet, occasionally seems logical when encountering self-determined morons) actually happened just over 30 years ago.

i'm glad my parents didn't get found out.  they sure have their moments...

(i love you, mom and dad!)

thank goodness facebook didn't exist...

...when i was in high school.

seriously.  have you thought about how many photos you would have to untag of yourself?  of how many emotionally charged and embarrassing comments you would have pushed out to the world for commentary and permanent internet searcheable storage? 

i have.  recently.  and i am so damn thankful that the lure of facebook sharing wasn't made available until i hit college.

aside from the fact that the above statements are absolutely true and "sigh of relief" worthy, you may be wondering how this thought popped into amy's silly brain.

it all started with cleaning out "the office" - one of the boyfriend and my joint new years resolutions.  we have "the room", as i'm sure many of you do as well, which has been deemed the hideaway for all items which we (a) don't want to have to look at every day, (b) refuse to admit we own, and (c) don't know where it ought to go.  period.  many of these things honestly belong in the trash can.  or the recycling bin.  or, as many of our items ended up: goodwill donations box.  i have no doubt that someone will appreciate the random assortment of dated gadgets, branded pharma give-aways, clothing and bedding which we never should have allowed into our home in the first place.

but then there's the rest.  the sentimental (crap) items that, while they have no functional purpose in our lives, we just can't get rid of.  like the boyfriend's childhood pillow.  and his old toys.  and the school books i can't bear parting with as they are evidence of the blood, sweat, tears and beer that were shed so that i could get through college.  my intellectual "trophies". 

and then, there were the pictures.  the most memorable was definitely the high school prom photos saved by the boyfriend.  i assume he had yet to hit his growth spurt, and can't hold the choice of dress against his high school girlfriend...i didn't do annny better.

somehow, i managed to dispose of most if not all high school photos.  i'm not too misty-eyed about that.

and that's what got me thinking.  i am so effing thankful that my high school years weren't documented on facebook.  anyone willing to go to the effort of old-school scanning 'em in is certainly asking for an "untag" and a slap-in-the-face(book). 

i remember those days well.  the exposed belly.  the tennis shoes with jeans.  before the days of the hair straightener.  the days i thought abercrombie and hollister were cool.  the nights i spent tearing my heart out while waiting for "the boy" to respond to me on america online instant messenger.  you know you remember "aim".  i was pixi4me (clearly, such a definition of who i am).  who were you?

i remember the terrible rock-hard ringlets i chose for prom.  the shimmering cheap fabric of my dresses.  the fake rub-on tan that rubbed off on my date's snazzy white tuxedo.

i thought i was pretty cool.  super current.  we all did.  check us out:

that'd be me.  bottom right.  with my high school group of lady friends in our annual custom t-shirts.

i'm still friends with some of these ladies.  others i haven't seen since high school.  it's the same group with whom i shared experiences that make me continually thankful for non-digital cameras and lack of easy internet uploading capabilities.

experiences like the birthday camping trip and photo debacle.

as a birthday celebration for one of my lady friends (with whom i am still very close), we were invited to go to the mountains for a camping and hiking adventure.  a sleepover on crack.  an opportunity to let loose in a faraway place.  we took the opportunity for all it was worth.

while hiking one day (in our bikinis, naturally) we encountered a beautiful, freezing cold waterfall.  our first reaction: let's get wet!  our second reaction: let's get wet, take our tops off and take photos of it with our waterproof camera!  how risque!  and so we did.  8 or so girls, huddled together beside a waterfall, minus our bikini tops in high-school-style seductive photographs.  two or three photographs out of the entire roll, if i remember correctly.  never fear - we were sure to carefully cover ourselves with hands and arms to ensure no nipple was exposed. 

upon returning to school after the weekend trip, one of our girlfriends decided to make copies of the photos, a copy for each camper, and she decided to distribute these photos to us at school.

mistake number one.  mistake number two?  letting the high school boys know what she was carrying in her backpack.  which of course prompted one of the boys to snag a copy.  and then to make copies.  and distribute around school. 

by the time the photos ended their travels, they had made it to local high schools, our teachers, and some of our parents.  it wasn't pretty.  rumors started, and soon enough the word was "fully nude photos of (blank) high school girls!".  i don't remember how it ended, but i remember the feeling of pure mortification.

again - thank goodness facebook didn't exist when i was in high school.

i'm not saying that i suddenly became wiser in college.  evidence: the photo below, me in the center, midriff-baring on a freshman trip to cali.


but at least the delay helped me to avoid even greater catastrophe. 

you know you're thankful, too.  what high school debacles are you thankful to have no facebook evidence of?

it's a new year

as i was walking into the gym a few days ago i was stopped dead in my tracks.  in the back of a truck, across the parking lot, i saw the end of childhood hope.  the elimination of a hope that santa would ever arrive up on the house tops next year, or in years to come.  i saw this:

a dead rudolph look-alike.  a real, dead, deer carcass with a fake red nose.  i wonder if it lights up after the sun goes down.

but anyway.  my initial thoughts:

what the fuck?

(and then, let's be honest...i laughed several times afterward)

my thoughts now:

what the fuck? HA ha ha ha ha.

and on that note, please let me wish you all a happy new year :)  did you make any resolutions?

i did.

i'll admit it.  i'm a tv addict.  without a doubt, i spend at least two hours a day watching television.

i'll give myself a little bit of credit.  most days, at least one hour of that tv time coincides with my time on the treadmill...the gym was verrrrry smart when it paired cardio with television.  but the rest of that time involves me, on my tush, on the couch, melting my brain away.

so, here's to resolution number 1: watch less television.

my substitute?  reading.  my boyfriend gave me a fabulous new nook tablet for christmas, and i intend to use it.  let's just pray i find some great reads to distract me from the looming box of entertainment that hangs in the living room.

and, on to the next: floss more.

what you're probably thinking: yeah, right.  nobody flosses.

...i thought that, too.  but i'm serious - i actually do!  i keep floss in my office drawer and use it after lunch every day.  the problem - that's the only time i floss.  apparently, that's just not enough.

up until christmas break, i hadn't been to the dentist in two and a half years.  that's right, two.and.a.half.years. that's a long time.  but i have a legitimate reason.  you see, i've known i had a cavity since my last appointment (two and a half years ago...yeah.  you get it).  what happens with cavities?  you drill 'em and fill 'em.  and what comes before that?  a giant SHOT.  in the mouth.  shot in the mouth.  i'm not into that.  in fact, i have what some might consider an irrational (however, we know it's rational) fear of needles.  all needles.  and so, i decided to avoid the dentist.

and then my sister - the dental assistant - lured me into her new office.  with her new dentist boss.  who has x-rays, tooth cameras, and a whole slew of his own big needles.

don't judge me here, but i'm going to let you in on a dirty secret: he found 7 cavities.  seven!!!  he did say that they were tiny, but basically the lesson goes: if you don't get your standard cleaning every 6 months at the dentist, your mouth is fucked.  as was mine.

and so, i had many a cavity in between little teeth.  both sides.  they scheduled two follow up appointments.  first for the right side, then for the left.  fuck me.

in fact, those are the exact words that came out of my mouth.  as the dentist (my sister's boss) was stabbing me in the mouth with his huge needles.  and i was squeezing my sister's hand.  and sweating all the way down to my feet.

according to the dentist, as long as the f-bomb isn't fully pronounced (as it wasn't really possible with his hands/needles taking up most of the room in my mouth), it doesn't count.  in that case, very few of my bombs counted.  according to him.

(apparently, the dentist has heard much more from folks in that leather chair, so i didn't say anything his virgin ears hadn't encountered before).

for the record, i'm a big fan of this office (despite the needles).  southern dental arts.  check it out.

the point is - i got five cavities filled on the right side of my mouth a few days ago.  what does that tell me?

floss more.

and there are others.  other resolutions.  they include cleaning "the office" (aka, the room in which we hide all of our crap that belongs nowhere else...except, perhaps, the goodwill donations box), hanging pictures, spending more quality time with quality friends, and expanding my culinary repertoire.  as of yet, however, they are not as entertaining.  and so i shall not bother you with them.

what are your resolutions?  see any dead reindeer?