what's your style?

i was perusing the net and ended up drawn to a search for defining communication styles.  communication, when developed, can be your strongest tool in getting what you want.  it can also be a critical determining factor of where you end up and how you get there.

i found the following table...

i'm interested...what's your style?

i'd say i am definitely a mix...let's go 60% Relater, 40% Driver.  i came up with that ratio after doing some sincere self-evaluation...and with the help of my boyfriend.  let's be real: we don't always have a perfect picture of ourselves or realize how we're perceived.

i'm definitely dating an Analytical, no doubt about it.  and i think that's ok.  we complement each other well.

it's important to understand your own communication style, and just as important to understand those of people you interact with routinely.  give them what they want, give them what they need, and help them give you what you need.  awareness is key.

miscommunication, in my view, is the root of all that goes wrong in relationships.  

...this includes working relationships, friendships, romantic and family - talk it out, and communicate effectively.  they're worth it, your time is worth it, and you are worth it.

tips, tricks, and tools

as a follow up to some earlier posts, i thought it might be helpful to provide you with some additional tips, tricks, and tools that are part of my daily repertoire.  while some of these may be excesses, items and choices which may not apply to your life, i have found them to be incredibly applicable to and helpful in my own.  hopefully some prove to be useful to you as well...


tips


killing time during cardio

• if you're on a bike, read a book.  without a doubt, this is the best way to become absorbed in something other than how much you hate cardio.
• if you're on a treadmill, start either on the hour or half hour...basically, right when a television program is about to begin.  find something you're into, and you'll want to stay on that machine until the show is over.  this provides a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio...if you find an awesome movie, it can get you way over the amount of time you even need on that machine.

getting ready at the gym in the morning

• if you're going to work after a good (sweaty) workout, it's best you pack your bag before the dreaded morning debate of "to gym it, or not to gym it" begins.  make sure you pack an outfit that's unlikely to wrinkle in your gym bag, or throw it on a hanger and hang it up in the locker room.  
• you can generally count on the locker room to provide a hair dryer, soap, and a towel.  keep a stock of travel-sized shampoos and conditioners available and in a sealed travel bag.  
• don't forget your work shoes and make-up if you wear it - pack 'em in the bag
• it doesn't usually take as long to get ready at the gym as it does at home.  your outfit is already chosen, and you are fully awake.  enjoy your workout.

keep healthy meals and snacks at the office

• oatmeal is an easy item to keep close at hand at the office.  it lasts forever and makes a perfect healthy breakfast or snack.  you can count on it to hold you over until lunch or to satiate any snacking urges in the afternoon.  
• popcorn is very similar to oatmeal in that it lasts forever.  an added benefit is that it takes a little while to eat, so it extends your satisfaction and is perfect for a grazer like me.  i generally opt for the low-fat single serve bags.
• keep drink mixes nearby.  if you're getting tired of water, mix in some crystal light rather than heading for juice or a calorie-laden starbucks.
• beware the break room treats at the office.  whether there are leftovers from a meeting, cupcakes brought from home, or well-intentioned donuts, they're generally not a healthy pick.  don't worry - someone else is sure to enjoy them if you don't.  stick to your safe zone.

not all "vegetables" are ideal veggies

if you're trying to eat healthy and have determined that adding more veggies is the way to go, good for you.  but make 'em count.  opt for the green ones, or those with a high water, high fiber, and low sugar content.

• corn = sugar.  enjoy it, but sparingly.
• potatoes are root vegetables, high in sugar.  same deal as corn.
• onions add flavor without many calories
• mushrooms add bulk and meaty texture without many calories
• tomatoes add flavor and color without many calories
• romaine is superior to iceburg lettuce
• peppers add texture, bulk, and color without many calories

tricks

hungry at night

• if it's time for bed: go to sleep!  more than likely, you think you're hungry because you're tired.  you won't feel hungry once you're passed out.
• if you have to stay awake: go for something crunchy and/or cold with a high water content.  these options will keep you awake without making you feel guilty or heavy-laden.  best options include veggies and hummus/dip (peppers, carrots, mushrooms, cucumbers), a cold apple, or chilled melon.

not motivated to exercise

• make a date with a friend.  if someone else is depending on you to show up, you're not going to let them down.  this keeps you from letting yourself down.
• tell someone else that you have exercise plans.  ask them to ask you about it.  if you feel as if someone else expects you to do something, you're much more likely to be motivated to follow-through.
• buy a book you can't wait to read.  it's hard to find time at home or the office to read without distraction.  if you're at the gym, there is little chance someone is going to bother you while you're sitting on a stationary bike.
• get a new pair of gym shoes or workout clothes.  you'll be excited to put them to good use...and show them off!

craving for chocolate

• eat a couple (not a ton) of cashews.  they're low in sugar and generally hit the same spot that chocolate would.  their healthy fat and fiber will also leave you feeling more satisfied than the refined sugar in chocolate will.
• snag a pack of pretzel or almond m&m's.  for only 150-170 calories, you get lots of fun chocolate pieces to nibble.  the slower you eat them, the more satisfaction you'll get.  enjoy.

can't stop eating after you're full

• drink a cup of coffee.  it tames appetite and is a nice way to finish off a meal, from morning 'till night.
• put your napkin on your plate and surrender your silverware.  if you can't see what's on there, and you don't have the tools in hand to enjoy it, you're more likely to give your plate a break.  if you're out to eat, this is also a signal for the waitstaff to take your plate away.  bingo!
• if you're snacking, close the bag or box and put it away.  if you are already full, out of sight really is out of mind if you make a little effort.

love flavored coffee drinks

• instead of a latte, get a coffee with steamed skim milk.  you can add sugar-free (and calorie free) flavor shots to the mix and, while it tastes just like a latte, it has fewer calories
• instead of a regular frappuccino, opt for the frappuccino light.  the mix has less sugar, fewer calories, and all the flavor.
• opt for the small/tall rather than the larger sizes.  you still get your fix but you aren't overdoing it.

tools

here is a list as well as some brief explanations of a few of amy's favorite things...

• spray butter:  opt for the "can't believe it's not butter" brand.  it's sometimes a tick more expensive, but it's absolutely satisfying if you're looking for something to flavor bread, veggies, whatever.  without tons of calories.
• spray salad dressing: it distributes evenly, has a low to nonexistent fat content (those big particles would have a hard time getting through the spray nozzle), and doesn't weigh down your greens.  it also comes in tons of flavors these days.  my favs include ranch and balsamic.
• non-stick olive oil spray: the light way to keep items from sticking on your griddle, on the grill, baking sheet, etc.
• salsa: the ideal chip dip.  negligible calories, tons of flavor.
• chrystal light: it provides flavor variety while motivating me to drink more water.  it satisfies cravings for juice and sweet things, as well.
• coffee:  it dampens hunger and is a low-cal option for a drinks date.
• high fiber oatmeal: the perfect breakfast or snack.  it sticks to your ribs and is almost always satisfying.
• water: many times when you think you're hungry, you're actually thirsty!  i keep a 20fl oz bottle on my desk at all times and refill it whenever it gets empty.
• light beer: it satisfies like a snack and boosts your mood without bursting your buttons
• wine: my drink of choice.  you sip it slowly, maximizing enjoyment while minimizing caloric intake.  also a nice way to finish dinner or stave off pre-meal cravings.

so, i've shared all of my secrets.  enjoy!

lost in translation

it happens every day.  more than once.  too many times to count, really.

i wish my pup spoke english.

i would tell his sad eyes that yes, i promise i will be home at the end of the day.  i'm not leaving forever.  and he would understand.

i would calm his terrified nerves at the groomers.  no, they will not cut off your ears.  no, you will not leave missing additional boy-parts.  yes, you are absolutely guaranteed a treat when you come home.

he would understand that the food he begs for, the food on my plate, will only serve to make him puke.  he would better appreciate his organic dog food.

i would tell him how happy he makes me, and he would be proud.

i look into his big brown eye (he is half blind) and wonder what he's thinking.

i do realize i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.  perhaps he does, indeed, understand, and prefers to torture me.  reaps the benefit of playing dumb.

until i have confirmation:  i wish my dog spoke english.

read the book

over the weekend i had a long, candid discussion with my mother about faith.  primarily, christian faith, but not exclusively.  as a whole-hearted believer in the truth of the bible and the path to heaven, my mother lives in a state of faithful confidence that i envy.

she was distressed to learn of her doubting daughter.

i believe whole-heartedly in the existence of God.  i accept completely that i am in no way fully in control of my life - where i've been, where i am, and where i'm going is not entirely of my own design.  you can disagree with me at any point here.  let's talk.

i also accept that i am completely unable to fully comprehend and therefore often do not try to understand God.

i am thankful for my blessings.  i talk to Him in hard times.  i question the rest.

christianity is based on the text of the bible.  the role jesus plays in the salvation of humanity is founded in the scripture.  if i have doubts regarding the composition, authorship, interpretation and translation of this book and its contents (not to mention the contradictions found in the gospels), how can i be sure of associated "truths" - how can i come to my own well-founded conclusions?

my mother would describe me in my faith journey as "searching".  i agree.  thank goodness this is a journey rather than a one-time decision.  the potential consequences are terrifying, perhaps damning.

my questions and doubts are highlighted in literature constantly and widely.  this morning, this article in particular brought my search to mind.

an excerpt which describes what i have often felt:

“We often infect the Bible with our own values and morals, not asking what the Bible’s values and morals really are,” Crawford says.

it appears that even the text itself is being misconstrued in speech and in practice.

i gain motivation in my search while in the presence of whole-hearted believers.  i envy their confidence and (sometimes) blind faith.  my eyes are wide open.  i understand the qualms of non-believers, followers of other world religions, and the doubters.

where do you fall, what do you think, what do you feel, and can you shed some light?  i'm available to listen.

no excuses

i woke up this morning at 5:30am to "sexual healing" playing into my ear from beside my pillow...that's right, my cell phone alarm wakes me up with Marvin Gaye.  love it.

i rolled over to see my pup sleeping soundly beside me, aside from a momentary whining as if to say "turn that darn music off, can't you see i'm trying to sleep?"  yeah, buddy.  i was exhausted, too. wanting nothing more than to curl back up beside him and hit the snooze button another 5...or, let's be real, 10...times, i began my ritual morning debate in the dark of my bedroom.

to gym it, or not to gym it?

an extra hour of sleep has got to be good for me, right?  my puppy Needs me to keep him company for a little while longer.  can't let the little guy get lonely.  if only not to create in him a sense of abandonment, is it not my duty to stay in this warm bed?

my rational self begins to take over at this point.  i recall all the benefits of morning workouts that cannot be denied.  my metabolism will get a nice boost for the rest of the day.  i'm more likely to go to the gym if i get it over-with at the onset.  wouldn't my pup really prefer a nice long afternoon walk rather than a sleepy bedside companion?  i'll be more productive at work.  and, most of all...

an hour of exercise leaves me more awake and alert during the day than an extra hour of sleep.

and so i have no excuse.  my gym bag, having been packed the evening before, is hefted onto my sleepy shoulders and i begrudgingly slip on my gym shoes.  the day has begun.

in my (ever so humble) opinion, none of us has an excuse not to get our bums to the gym every day.  in my case, i know i am much more apt to get there if i do it earlier rather than later.  work ends and all i really want is to relax on the couch.

i am fortunate to have a gym membership at a fine establishment located just down the street from my office.  for those that do not share this same convenience, i still see no excuse in your case.  take a nice long morning walk.  it's not too hot at that point.  raining?  it costs $5 to buy an at-home workout video.  get one, and get movin'.

being too tired, although tempting, is just not an excuse.  workouts wake you up.  workouts tap energy within you that would stay dormant otherwise.  endorphins released in workouts boost your mood.  don't the innocent victims of your pre-coffee mornings deserve for you to at least make an attempt at taking the edge off?  exercise makes you more productive at work, and promotes better sleep at night.  think about it this way: would you prefer to have 9 hours of mediocre sleep, or 8 hours of high quality Zzz time?

for some of you, your attempt at an excuse may be legit - you work early hours, you have morning responsibilities which take priority over your personal fitness.  no dice.  go to bed and wake up earlier.  if you are waking up at 5am, 4am isn't going to kill you.  or, the alternative - the dreaded afternoon workout.

in all sincerity, afternoon workouts are not the hell they may at first seem to be.  if you can workout in view of a television, you're sure to find more appealing multimedia distraction to help pull you through your cardio.  there are more people to watch at the gym, and you don't have to worry about cleaning up after you sweat your pants off.

my personal favorite of all advantages afternoon workouts provide: it enhances the quality of my after-work hours.  i don't feel as if i'm totally spent from a day at the office.  i am distracted from mindless snacking before dinner.  i have time to plan what i actually want to do for dinner, and i am less likely to negate the benefits of my calorie-burn by choosing an unhealthy option.  i worked hard for that sweat!

there's nothing like a cold beer or a perfect glass of wine paired with the satisfaction that i've already done my body good.  cheers.

terminator

for those of you who have been keeping up with the norway massacre, have you read this article?  here's an excerpt:

“He has a view of reality that is very difficult to explain,” Mr. Lippestad said. “He says that the rest of the world doesn’t understand his point of view, but in 60 years time, they’ll understand him.”

“He believes someone will kill him,” Mr. Lippestad said, adding that Mr. Breivik had expected to be killed during the attacks on Friday or on his way to court on Monday. “I cannot describe him because he is not like anyone,” the lawyer said.

is anyone else recalling scenes from the Terminator movies?  i sure am.  interested in your point of view.

entitlement programs

have you been wondering what those politicians have been referring to when they talk about entitlement programs?  while i had a vague idea, i wasn't at all sure of the specifics.  i wasn't even quite sure why they were called "entitlement" programs in the first place.  i found a great explanation in someone else's blog...highly recommend you check it out.  then, share your thoughts with me!  to cut, or not to cut?

i get by

...with a little help from my friends.

let's take some time to sit and think about just how incredibly important a role friends play in our lives.  they listen.  they ponder.  they put themselves in your shoes.  they care.  they have your best interests at heart.

it's easy to underestimate their influence and support when times are good and life's obstacles are teeny, but it's important to not forget about those jewels when the going is easy.  your true friends aren't just there for shopping companions, movie dates or poolside pals.  if that were the case, who would spend the time to develop a deep relationship?  you'd only need spunky acquaintances.

it is so important to make sure you actively let your friends know how much you appreciate them.

family and romantic partners are critical - without a doubt - but who's going to be there when the aforementioned folks have hurt you?  who's going to understand your internal conflicts when it comes to loving someone who is hurting you? 

i have found myself in the predicament, fairly recently, in which i could not have moved forward effectively without the terrific insight of my best friends.  loved ones don't intend to bring you pain, but they inevitably will, and they have in my case.  in my personal experience, this type of pain hits the deepest.  it clouds your perspective and leaves you in a state of befuddled frustration.

when i am hurt, my initial reaction is to protect myself.  be warned: this gut instinct is not always the best option.  protecting oneself often is expressed in anger, defensiveness, and results in hurting the person who's hurting you.  this doesn't make things better.  it does more damage and makes things harder to fix.  in order to heal the hurt, it's absolutely necessary to somehow look at the situation outside of yourself and try to be as fair as possible.  i, for one, am not good at doing this without some external support and motivation.

a great litmus test of a friend is how they respond when you present them with your pain.  do they immediately "have your back", to Hell with those who would do you wrong?  in my opinion, that's the easiest route.  it takes little thinking, little feeling, and little effort on their part.  what you need is someone who will jump into your sinking ship and carefully help you to navigate your way out.  it's not easy, but it's a heck of a gift and the sign of a sincerely wonderful friend.

when you are at odds with someone you love, do you really want to hear bad things about them?  no.  that's not going to make you feel better.  rather, you need the perspective of someone who realizes the importance the pain-inducer has in your life.  you need the perspective of someone who realizes that both parties have feelings, and that this relationship is worth mending rather than ending.  you need a great friend.

i am so thankful to have those people in my life who stand up for me better than i stand up for myself.  who tell me i'm wrong when i don't want to hear it.  who care about the people i care about if only because i care about them.  who can see the light through my frustration-induced haze.

do you have these people in your life? the best way to get a great friend is to be a great friend.  i certainly hope i continue to earn and deserve mine.

penis envy isn't real

...at least not these days.  this post sheds light onto the fabulousness that is being a woman.  if given the choice - at birth, in adolescence, in adulthood - i would always choose a vagina.

first off, lets look at the reasons that naive minds might think that the life of a woman has significant disadvantages to the life of a man:

1.  we menstruate and get pms
2.  we have biological clocks
3.  we have to wear make-up and worry about clothes
4.  we feel pressured to stay thin
5.  we have to shave our legs
6.  we're the ones that have to give birth
7.  we're not as good at sports

let's start with menstruation.  yes, once a month (for most of us) we have a visit from the "dreaded" aunt flow. it's inconvenient, it requires maintenance, and it hinders our ability to enjoy certain romantic "activities".  have you ever thought about what a wonderful monthly reminder this is that we are not pregnant?  how exciting it is to know for sure that we don't have anything to worry about for at least another month?  that the potential for an accident has been avoided yet again?  it's a reason to celebrate!  the inconvenience of maintenance pales in comparison to this joyous confirmation.  and with regard to romantic activities...as far as i'm concerned, if we're not enjoying 'em, someone else is missing out at the same time.  and it's probably a man.

pms can suck, to be sure - and yes, gentlemen, it certainly does exist.  keep in mind, though, dear friends - if you ever wanted an excuse to kill that pint of ice cream in one sitting, here you have it.  if you needed a reason to lay low for an evening with a seriously awesome chick flick rather than tag along with your man to a game, no excuse needed!  it's also a topic which provides us lucky ladies with an experience to bond over.  i'd like to hear something similar that men can discuss.

and on to the biological clocks.  all i have to say about it is this - do you Really want to be a parent after age 40?  women generally don't have the option.  i think that is a fabulous phenomenon.  men, on the other hand...unless you get some snippin' done, you better watch who you're pokin'.  you may just end up looking like a grandpa to your newborn.  changing diapers in retirement.  not to mention saving for college when you're in your 60s...enjoy!

when it comes to make-up and clothes, my true belief is this: if men aren't jealous, they sure as heck oughtta be.  when we have a hicky, who has better resources to cover it up?  same goes with trying to look like a live human being after a late night.  9 times out of ten, we have and will use the resources necessary to look great. men will look as if they have just been run over by a truck and then microwaved.  clothing brings on an entire new level of jealousy-promoting advantages that women hold over men.  women can wear skirts And pants.  unless you plan to wander populated areas in a kilt, you're stuck to pants, my man friends.  when we're getting dressed up for a nice event in potentially hot weather, we can throw on a light-weight dress.  but men?  button those jackets and stick on those ties, gentlemen.  you're in for a sweat storm.  women can wear everything that men can, plus everything they can't. we can wear your boxers, your ties, your tshirts and your basketball shorts.  and we look sexy in 'em.  no need to point out how things would go down if men were spotted in our panties and tank tops.  who's really winning in this arena?  ladies, raise your hands.

yes, all of civilization is quite aware that women feel pressured by society to be thin.  when we splurge, the pounds stick to our bodies...including our boobs and butts.  cha ching!  when men gain weight, they can look forward to seeing it primarily on their bellies - not exactly something women lust over.  also noteworthy: today's man is also feeling societal pressure to be thin (check out this article).  this previously considered female disadvantage is quickly coming your way, guys!

when it comes to shaving, it's generally understood that women have to do more of it.  men historically shave their faces, and leave it at that, while women shaved everything below the hips.  first of all, let's please point out: this trend is also changing.  my world was rocked when i found my brother shaving his chest, and i soon learned of the new phenomenon called "manscaping" - as time goes on and society refines, i feel there is no escaping the manscaping, dear man friends.  then let's think of this - men, you like the way our legs feel when they're shaved, right?  well, guess what?  we do, too!  we get the enjoyment of shaved legs under sheets and clothing.  when a bandaid is needed in the area, no sweat!  what goes on will come off...and pretty darn easily.  how do those adhesives treat your legs, fellows?  yeeowch.

giving birth - like delivering a baseball through your nose - is surely a daunting, and seemingly impossible, responsibility.  those women that tell you they are actually looking forward to the actual moment of this delivery are Lying.  flat out.  but please do remember that (a) this is an accomplishment that we will always be able to refer back to when we want something from you, (b) we have a great excuse to temporarily get fat, and (c) you couldn't do it even if you Wanted to.  we have a whole new excuse to purchase clothing, throw parties, and we look forward to your foot massages.

and finally, you men think we're not as good at sports.  first of all - not exactly true.  while we're generally smaller and not quite so muscular, we can be fiesty and super fast.  best of all, when we beat you, you look extra bad and are sure to be heckled.  as far as i am concerned (an admittedly non-coordinated weakling), drinking beer on the sidelines is always more fun anyway.

some added advantages of female life:

• we can take our social scene from the dance floor all the way to the bathroom.  the conversation never has to end, and is often times enhanced while in the ladies restroom.
• when we're turned on, you have no idea unless we choose to tell you.  we'll never get called out by a tent in our pants.
• we are most certainly going to outlive you, men (check out this article)
• we're better communicators, and allowed to express ourselves freely
• we're significantly less likely to lose our hair - and when ours goes grey, we can cover it up without fearing mockery
• we're not expected to open the door for you
• we can order any drink on the bar menu.  good luck ordering the flirtini, guys.

so what does it all mean?  it means, my friends, that i will celebrate my vagina with every ounce of estrogen in my body.  i will relish in hormonal spikes as i eliminate all chocolate in my path.  i will thank you chivalrous men as you hold open the door for me, all the while silently pitying you for having been born with a bit too much testosterone.  i will dance in public and i will feast in the warm embrace of my girlfriends.  especially while in the ladies room.

any questions?

why i love 80's music

i'm listening to 80's music on pandora.com right now and i wondered: why does 80's music make me so calm and happy? is it that this genre is really of a higher quality than contemporary music, or is it something else?

after spending some quality time in my head thinking this over, i came to the following conclusion: it's not the quality of the song itself, or even the lyrics.  rather, it's the memories that are evoked by listening to these familiar pieces.

these songs bring me back to my early childhood...the days when i couldn't see over the dashboard, couldn't read into the words, and was just learning what mom meant when she told me that my dad was tone-deaf.

these were the days of blissful ignorance and unawareness.

in my childhood mind, war only happened in foreign countries, to people not of my world.  presidents and politicians were trustworthy and wonderful people.  my parents knew everything, and would protect me from anything.  old dogs were sent to happy farms before a family got a new one, and santa claus was real.  a barbie doll was a hugely exciting prize, and my biggest worry was falling off my bike or scraping my knees.  nowhere in my mind was concern for divorce, cancer, or abandonment.

these songs were the soundtrack to my childhood.  i was naive and i was light-hearted.

while awareness brings troubled minds and heavy hearts, it also brings with it new avenues for joy and pleasure.  santa claus may not be real, but paychecks are and they're awesome.  my parents might not always be right but they certainly can make great friends.  a barbie doesn't quite hit the spot but that trip to napa valley sure does!  awareness brings complexity to our lives to both enhance and to hinder our enjoyment of the world.  while we may no longer perceive things through rose-colored glasses, we certainly can see the awesome things a whole lot better.

i'm happy for my adult awareness.  i am thankful for, but not missing, my childhood bliss.  it's nice to know i can always go back for a short visit when i listen to good ole 80's music.

the road is worth it

i often think in metaphors.  if you're into that type of thing, perfect.  read on.  if not - this ain't for you.

i look through the rear view mirror of my relationship journey all of the time, and doing so makes me so thankful for the distance i've come.  it's been a winding road that started out slowly...i honestly think i spent years in a "parked" position before i actually grew the female-version of balls to get movin'.

once on the road, i definitely started with my seat belt on, driving below the speed limit.  i saw other people flying by me and, while it sometimes looked like a blast, it effin' terrified me.  i saw some of them enjoy a smooth joy ride, while others ended up on the side of the road...they crashed and burned.  good thing we have friends for roadside assistance.  i've certainly needed it, i've been it, and i'm still available for service.

it gets pretty dull going it alone in everyone else's dust, so i picked up speed.  i definitely didn't see some of the potholes coming - the sexy ones that catch you by surprise and make you take your hands off the wheel, or the fun ones that have "potential", sometimes leading you to a side-road and off the main highway.  when those roads got monotonous, or just didn't feel like i was going in the right direction, i'd turn back.  i started leaving people in my dust, and while i sympathized, i knew it was time to change directions and i got myself back on track.

that's until i got effing t-boned.  i didn't see it coming.  it was my turn to crash, flying off the road into a heap of destructed, crumpled shit.  by the time i regained consciousness, i realized i was totally and utterly lost.

i'm fairly certain that everyone has had a similar experience to my crashing and burning.  it's those times where you look around you and wonder how the HELL you didn't anticipate it, and why you didn't correct yourself before it was too late.  the "what ifs" and "if onlys" come into play, but they aren't going to get you anywhere.  it feels impossible to look ahead because your darn front windshield is cracked and you think you just might be totaled this time.

it's embarassing.  confidence is lost, and you feel like everybody can see where you're broken.  it's even worse if they witnessed as you were breaking down.  it's not until you realize that everybody has dings and scratches that this begins to pass and you get over your own.

everybody handles recovery to this kind of situation differently.  some people turn back, trying to find a safer road to travel.  others end up stuck in the rut they landed in.  in my case, i decided to get as far away from the scene of the crash, and i did it as fast as i could.

i think we've all experienced something similar to this full-throttle getaway.  and it can be a blast!  mine certainly had its moments.  but my own misfortune stuck with me. i kept looking in the rear view mirror at that wreck i once was.  it kept me from driving in a straight line because i wasn't looking in the right direction.

you move on and you get past it - you have to, unless you want to get yourself into the same situation all over again - and you slow your pace to just keep up with the daily grind.  you lose your inclination for risk-taking and ready yourself for the long drive ahead...even if it's alone.

when you least expect it, you find one of your own.  an experienced driver who's also had their fair share of fender benders and pot holes.  up until this point it can suck hard and feel lonely, even boring, but believe me - this is worth waiting for.  in my experience, you don't always drive at the same pace, but you tackle the road together and you guide each other in the right direction.  the drive is so much more enjoyable with a partner.

i look back now and, while the memory of past accidents may still bring forth pain, i can appreciate the important part they played in sending me off in the direction of where i find myself now.  i learned from every mistake, and i gained understanding of the road from every misguided adventure.  i've come a long way, and i'm so happy to be here.  if you're not here yet, don't worry - it's a long road, and it's really not a race.  i'll see ya when you get here, and until then, i'm always available for roadside assistance.

i make people uncomfortable

i fully embrace my close-knit relationship to other people as i realize that we are all experiencing the human condition together.  early on i realized that not everyone else lives in my world as secondary characters to my primary role.  i developed the ability to perceive myself in the world as one small member of a huge community of thinkers and feelers.  in fact, the individuals with whom i have the most issues are those who are unable to see themselves and others as such.  mine, yours, and other folks perspectives are only a fraction of reality.

as much as you may think you have nothing in common with someone, we all eat, we all sleep, we all experience financial and relationship challenges, we all have the same range of emotions, we all have opinions and we all crave acceptance to some degree.  there is no way you can tell me that you don't share something in common with anyone you come into contact with.

 it's true, and i am fully aware - i make people uncomfortable.  i care for and love people very quickly.  this results in my wanting to know what makes them "tick" - i get curious.  i wonder what they feel like when they first wake up in the morning.  do they feel content?  do they feel anxious?  do they feel like they're where they need and want to be?  i wonder what life smells like for them.  that's right, what it smells like.  is their home one of those that smells perpetually of food, or is theirs one of those that smells more like a furniture or antique store?  can they smell at all?  i wonder what things are weighing on their shoulders and their minds.  as someone walks through the grocery store, are they wondering whether or not they're picking up germs on the basket handle or are they distractedly roaming as they debate whether or not to change jobs?  are they feeling insecure and self-aware or are they wondering the same things about me as i pass by them?  when they go home, will they feel lonely or will they be surrounded by the people they care most about?  are they happy?

other people are our greatest resources in understanding more about ourselves.

and so i ask questions.  i question the girl at the check-out line, i engage my colleagues in thoughtful discussion, and you're really in for it if we're at a social outing.  if you're sitting across from me at dinner, there's no way you're gettin' outta there without me understanding (to the best of my ability), who and how you are.

most of my happiest experiences come from having connected with people.  the folks that don't hold back, that don't consider aspects of their lives to be "TMI" (i hate that trio of letters), that recognize the same-ness of our human experiences and realize there is nothing to fear in acknowledging it.

then there are those folks who shut me out, shut me down, and make me feel inappropriate.  i can let it roll off, but to be honest - i'm going to judge you.  you can kill the conversation, but you can't kill the curiosity.  the less you give me to work with, the more i'm going to analyze your behavior.

i've thought a lot about the folks that aren't open to sharing themselves conversationally, and i have reached some conclusions.  right or wrong, i've narrowed it down to a few possibilities...

my go-to assumption: you're socially immature.  you haven't yet realized that you're not the main character in a play of your life.  you view yourself as an island on which no boat shall dock.  you don't understand the connectedness of human beings or acknowledge that other people have the same needs and feelings that you do.  i say - grow up.

the alternative: you're hiding something.  you don't trust the direction in which this conversation will lead and fear that your shady side may be revealed to the wrong person.  i say - let it go.  i also warn you - now i'm really going to dig.

in trying to assess why my questions make people uncomfortable, i have also thought about the possibility that i put people in positions in which they don't know how to socially maneuver themselves.  they're unfamiliar with the situation i have placed them in and sometimes communicate their inability to navigate through aversion to conversation.  this isn't going to stop me - it's only going to make me want to allow you to practice more often.

i'm often asked "why do you even care?".  my retort: why Not care?  how can You not care?

to all of my friends and future friends that share their lives with me and share an interest in mine, i say: thank you.

to all those who think they've got some serious TMI, i dare you: try me.

tricky bastards - a calorie rant

i just read an article which describes a fear i have held since the inception of publicly available restaurant nutrition information - they're not accurate!  check this out:  one in 5 restaurant calorie lists off

perhaps you think it doesn't matter...that if you're eating out, you should just go for the gold and get whatever the heck you want.  if that's your standard mode and it works for you, awesome.  you are clearly a rockstar, especially if you're a woman.  i have several friends like you, and i am sincerely envious.

for those of us that aren't as blessed in the metabolism or body-acceptance realm, i say: think before you consume.

you think those pieces of lettuce in your salad negate the bacon, candied pecans and creamy dressing?  you think that lean cut of steak wasn't slathered (often several times) in butter before it hit your plate?  you think that omelet is magic and somehow didn't stick to the pan all on its own?  think again.  fat tastes freakin' awesome.  butter, oil (olive oil has calories, too!), heavy cream.  restaurants know this.  that's why it's their main ingredient, alongside some old-fashioned salt.  just watch the food network...they'll tell you that "flavor" means fat.

what goes in must come out, or else it ends up in your ass.  at least it does in my case.

i'm not saying you should forego the pleasures of occasional indulgence.  i'm just saying you should know what you're doing when you put something in your mouth.  if you stress about fitting into your favorite jeans, you could save yourself a lot of worry by planning ahead and doing a little budgeting.  decide what's worthy of indulgence, and what's not.  do you really want that cheesecake?  have it!  but go for a low-cal entree.  you really want that fish'n chips?  enjoy!  but ask for streamed veggies on the side instead of fries.

if you're interested, here are some basic facts and tips i've learned that keep me in my favorite jeans...

what goes in must come out - basic calorie rules
4 calories in 1 gram protein
4 calories in 1 gram carbohydrate
7 calories in 1 gram alcohol
9 calories in 1 gram fat
3,500 calories in 1 pound of fat

what does the above mean?  alas, it's true, vodka does have calories.  fat-free does not mean calorie-free, it usually just means sugar-full.  want to lose a pound (or more)?  that'll be 3,500 calories.  it doesn't matter where they come from in terms of weight gain/loss (it certainly matters in terms of overall health and disposition for illness).  look at your bottom line and do some math.

for weight loss: calories consumed < calories used
for weight maintenance: calories consumed = calories used
for weight gain: calories consumed > calories used

calories consumed is honestly the easy part of the above calculations.  stick to items with reliable nutrition facts and do some math in a 24 hour period.  calories burned is the trickier part, but it generally looks like this:

BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) + Calories Burned in Exercise/Activity

your bmr is the number of calories your body burns just to keep you alive...essentially, the calories your body needs to keep you awake and lying in bed all day.  here's a great calculator to figure out what your number is.

the additional calories burned come from everything you do that doesn't involve lying in your bed all day.  did you take a shower?  that burns calories.  did you get up 10 times today to go to the bathroom?  that burns calories.  did you do your laundry?  that burns calories, too.  add up the time spent doing your daily activities, keeping in mind that exercise is one of the most efficient ways to boost this number.  note: you can't trust the calorie counter on your cardio machines!  they generally don't take into consideration your body composition or weight, so it's really just a shot in the dark.  here's a great calculator i use to figure out how many calories i burn when i'm not laying in my bed.

do the math for a few days and see where you come out.  are you consuming more calories than you use?  are you using more calories than you consume?  are you at a pretty solid equilibrium where they balance each other out?

i'll use myself as an example.  let's assume my BMR comes out to 1,250.  i figure i burn about 100 calories walking around the office and going grocery shopping.  we've got 1,350.  i go to the gym for 45 minutes and burn approximately 250 calories.  we've got 1,600 calories used.  this is an average day in my life, so i use this number as a general goal, sticking between 1,500 and 1,600.  if i go over one day, it's not going to kill me.  i just try to keep my intake/output ratio for the week around zero.

bottom line: the math matters

some restaurant tips and tricks

• ask that your meal be prepared without oil or butter.  if oil is a must to avoid sticking, request non-stick spray.  most folks will be o.k. with that
• ask for your salad dressing on the side and dip your fork tongs into it before stabbing it into an awesome salad
• ask for your cheese on the side and eyeball how much you really need (really want that martini?  go lighter on the cheese...compromise, baby)
• beware the pasta dishes
• stick with the grilled options 
• ask for a to-go box and put half of your dinner into it so that you can enjoy it for your next meal
• opt for broth-based soups rather than creamy ones
• opt for non-cream-based sauces
• opt for steamed versus sauteed veggies
• want  something sweet?  split it
• go for a coffee with steamed milk instead of a latte - you can put a sugar free flavor shot in either one

dream house

being patient and compromising blow.  hard.  i will acknowledge that i'm better at compromising than i am in the patience realm.  working on it.  hoping i won't have to employ my developing skill too often.

that being said, it's exciting when there's something awesome to look forward to, even if it takes a while to become a reality.  my current example of this: my dream house.  the problem: not dream location.  check it out, you'll see what i mean...my dream home.

i've been lusting over this home since last weekend when my boyfriend and i went playing in holly springs (aviator brewery got me tipsy, the model homes did the rest of the damage).  we dropped in to the golf course neighborhood of 12 Oaks and decided it would be a great idea to look at beautiful homes that were (a) not necessary for us until we have a family and (b) located way too far out considering our commutes, friends, and favorite irish pub.  if i could literally pick up this home (and the 16th hole it's on) and move it within a 5 mile range of where we currently live, maybe it'd work out.  if time fast-forwards and i miraculously end up with 2 adorable children that need their own bedrooms (and never fight or secrete nastiness and sleep on command) and a fast-train is built between holly springs and the rest of the world (raleigh, durham, chapel hill), maybe it'd work out.

this darn house is spectacular - the photos don't do it justice.  it has the perfect color granite with the most elegant (and massive) center island.  the open-concept in the kitchen and family room makes me want to move directly into my 30s (few things make me want to do that).  the back yard is picturesque and there is an unfinished 3rd floor that's just waiting to become a gym, library, ventilated cigar/man-room, or any combination of those.

my life is so hard.

finding contentment in old friends

new friends are fun.  new friends are exciting, open to hear all of your old stories, full of new stories you've never heard before, and not yet tired of your bad habits or over-the-top personality.  you think they're great, they think you're great, and before you know it you have a "friend crush" (definition: new obsession with an individual involving zero romantic interest whatsoever).  then you get to the plateau period of friendship...their stories have gotten old to you - and yours to them.  your chats are no longer so interesting, you've got each other fairly "figured out", and the shimmer of a brand spankin' new friendship has become a dull residue.  what happens next?  

sometimes those relationships just fade off into the distance.  you love bumping into each other, but they become more like that funky dress in the back of your closet that you never do get rid of because, some day, you just might be in the mood to wear it again, if only for fun.

less often, you take that relationship, put in some elbow grease and make it gleam again.  with some routine maintenance (doesn't take a lot of effort if you don't let it get too rusty), your previously fun new relationship is on track to be a long-term and important part of your life.  an old, fantastic friend to love.  if you take good care of it, it'll take good care of you.  returning to the closet theme, i'd compare it to a favorite pair of yoga pants.  mine are black and accompany me everywhere from bed, to the gym, and (gasp) even out to a casual dinner.  sometimes you forget about them for a while...your new articles of clothing distract you for a while until you are digging through your closet for something comfortable that fits well.  as soon as you put them back on, you remember why you loved them so much in the first place...and sometimes you wear them until the darn things HAVE to go into the wash.  

the great thing about old friends is that the good ones don't wear out.  they adjust and change right along with you, only getting stronger as you share life experiences.  i have found, personally, that the great ones don't even require a lot of upkeep.  the essence of who you and your friend are doesn't change.  without a doubt, the less important attributes of each of you will...perhaps they meet someone new, they'll clearly be influenced.  they pick up new hobbies and interests, which the two of you may not share.  but the inner core of a person is where old friendships are rooted, and the great thing about roots is that they're tough suckers able to grow in lots of different directions.

one of the ultimate senses of fulfillment and contentment in my life comes just after a good catch-up session with an old friend.  

finding contentment in oatmeal

second post, an example of short-term contentment i find on a workday morning basis in something as simple (yet, ever so complex if made correctly) as oatmeal.  over my working years, i have perfected the technique of making the Perfect oatmeal.  starbucks may claim theirs is perfect, but i have news for them - while tasty, the form in which they deliver it to you is only in the first stage of true perfect oatmeal development.

texture is of the utmost importance, as is the vessel in which the oatmeal is ultimately to be consumed.  my preference: a small coffee mug.  key ingredient: effin' patience.  warning: oatmeal will not hesitate to explode all over your microwave.  not pretty, and such a waste.

while instant oatmeal gets a bad rep, this is only because the novice oatmeal maker underestimates the importance of careful preparation.  i recommend disregarding the instructions on oatmeal packets and relying on your senses...sight, primarily, as well as touch.  below is my time-tested, patiently perfected, oatmeal optimizing daily procedure:

1.  empty contents of one instant oatmeal packet into coffee mug
2.  fill with water (any temp) about 3/4 inch above the settled oatmeal
3.  mix.  consistency should be that of a watery soup.  if it's thicker, add more water.
4.  pop into microwave and heat on high for 1 minute, 10 seconds.  you don't need to keep an eye on it at this point.
5.  let it rest for 2 minutes.  seriously.  let the thing sit in there to chill out for a few and distract yourself with something else.
6.  temporarily remove the mug from microwave, mixing the partially cooked oatmeal until it's all settled back into the center and bottom of the mug.
7.  pop back into the microwave for 45 seconds - and KEEP AN EYE ON IT.
8.  as soon as it comes to either (a) the end of 45 seconds or (b) the inner rim of the mug, take it out of the microwave and scoop it back down to settle in the center bottom of the mug.
9.  let it rest again - give it about 2-5 minutes to cool down.

your result should be a thick, stick-to-your-ribs concoction of morning (or afternoon snack) goodness.  savor it.

i find a serious sense of satisfaction and temporary contentment in my routine consumption of a perfect oatmeal.  sometimes, i make two.

the contentment game

this is my first post, and i've decided to get started with an explanation as to why i'm here in the first place.  i have realized that one of my constant goals in life, potentially my driving force, has been and is to find contentment.  the kind of contentment i'm seeking isn't the sort that some folks might relate to "settling" - settling is actually a great fear of mine.  settling with the wrong job, the wrong person, the wrong friends, with a lesser version of yourself than you would like.  by contentment i mean absolute fulfillment and joy in my current state of life.  i don't think that stagnation is healthy - or possible, even - finding a place you're happy with and then staying put.  if you don't change, the rest of the world will certainly do so without you.  there is clearly a constant sort of development that individuals undergo as they age, experience new things (good and bad), learn, and are influenced by other people.  this constant development, i have found, actually can both help and hinder finding oneself in a state of contentment.  one minute you're entirely pleased with yourself and your life status, then new windows open up, you go through them, and contentment is once again slightly at a distance.  i have honestly found that my sense of content can change in as little as five minute intervals...or less.  is this good?  is this bad?  it's reality, for me at least.  my view is that this sense of satisfaction and fulfillment is more like a destination which i pass through from time to time, my visits varying in length based upon the events of my day.

it's a good reason to wake up in the morning and get thinking, feeling, and moving.