the code

today, we're going to talk about the universal code of ethics that ought to be understood and practiced by all women.  this code is critical in maintaining the respect for and of other women, particularly your friends.

karma is a bitch.  so, thou ought not be one.  right?

throughout my female experience i have been witness to many a crime against the code.  and it's never pretty.  although unspoken, there are certain rules which all ladies should live by, and be prepared to suffer for if they choose to break them.

don't put your friend(s) in the situation where she has to say, "back off, bi$%#."  "hands-off" should be self-explanatory in the world of female loyalty.  make smart decisions.  and continue reading...


i've decided to write down a smattering of examples which should provide a decent outline as to the mandates of the code.  after polling several of my wise lady friends, we came up with the following list of "thou shalt not" and "thou shalt", all with the caveat: if your friend has been asked permission and granted it, your window of opportunity has opened and you are welcome to disregard the code in that instance.

...i'm betting the above caveat scenario doesn't happen often.  just putting it out there.  good luck.

and now, without further ado -

the code
established: the beginning of time
termination of contract: the end of time
applies to: all vagina-bearing beings and all those who choose to live a life of femininity

THOU SHALT NOT...

• kiss or have sex with a man with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• talk shit about your friend to men with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• sleep with the father of your friend
• "make eyes" with a man with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• conceal from your friend facts about spending time with her ex
• occupy the lap space of a man with whom your friend is involved
• flaunt your breasts with the intention of capturing the attention of your friend's lover
• deny that while all may be fair in love and war, pursuing a relationship - friendly or otherwise - with a girlfriend's ex does hurt her
• spend a significant amount of time with a friend's ex (particularly after they just broke up)
• delight in a friend's misfortune just because it boosts your ego temporarily
•  partake in the receiving or giving of back rubs with the ex of your friend
• post cute photos on facebook of yourself and the ex of your friend
• send a congratulatory message to the ex of a friend to celebrate the breakup
• tell the ex of your friend that said friend is having a hard time post-breakup
• tell your friend that her ex is looking great
• tell your friend that the new girlfriend of her ex is beautiful and/or awesome
• become close friends with the new girlfriend of existing friend's ex - conflict of interest
• alert the love interest of a friend that your friend is potentially behaving inappropriately - leave it to her
• allow your friend to puke in public, especially in front of an ex (take her to the bathroom)
• tell your friend how to handle an ex unless explicitly asked to do so
• date a friend's ex immediately following their breakup especially when said friend is a trusted confidant/shoulder to cry on during the breakup process.

• if you shall choose to engage in inappropriate behaviors with the friend's ex, it is 100% acceptable to consider that friendship null and void.  the then ex-friend is additionally allowed to devise creative nicknames such as "slore" (aka, slut-whore) and shout them when walking by your house. 

THOU SHALL...

• be forgiving of spirit and acknowledge the complexity of pre-existing friendships, friendships formed during your relationship, needs, and that everyone makes mistakes
• speak openly and honestly with your friend about missteps, challenges, motivations and hopes
• recognize that you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one
• acknowledge that the greatest risk of loyalty is deceit
• analyze your motivation and consider the feelings of others before acting on impulse regarding the object of another woman's affection
• come up with creative names for ex boyfriends of your friend and the replacement girlfriends
• assure your friend that there was a reason for the breakup in the first place
• make sure your friend looks sexy before going out on dates
• google stalk the men your friend plans to date in order to ensure her safety and sanity
• keep the secrets of your friend to yourself
• buy your friend wine, beer and spirits as needed on hard days
• provide quality hugs in any and all instances required or welcome
• make your friend aware if you think her current man is inappropriate for her - gently
• respect the fact that you will never fully understand everything that went on or goes on in the relationship of your friend
• purchase for or offer to accompany your friend if she needs a pregnancy test or plan B
• tell the truth if you think your friend is behaving in a bat-shit-crazy manner
• love your friend - and tell her so

keep 'em coming!  let me know what we missed, and always, always, follow the code.

christmas brains

so, it's christmas time and naturally the season has had me pondering intelligence.

....i know.  not quite sure where this sprang from, but i'm pondering it regardless.

what i find most interesting is how the way in which people try to portray themselves intellectually actually compares with their true intellectual prowess.  i know of some folks who are extremely intelligent; yet, if you were to meet them in the grocery store, you may think they were only slightly above average.

let's use my favorite "if i were to meet [whomever] in the grocery store."  what would a stranger think upon just meeting a person while wandering a generic public space.  put yourself in that mindset, and ponder what folks might think of you or your colleagues, loved ones, etc.  how far off would they be?

i have a friend who is a medical physicist.  a super smart guy. he chooses not to use "big words" (higher-level vocabulary) because he's just fine communicating in every-man english.  he is, in fact, incredibly intelligent - he just doesn't feel the need to promote that fact.

i know of other folks who, while moderately intellectual, regularly employ vocabulary and references which might lead one to believe they are much more brilliant than they, in fact, are.  they're trying to pump up their image as an intellect (and they're probably intensely aware of this fact).

honestly - i don't know that you can figure most people out...and i don't know that you can determine a level of intelligence simply from the career path someone chooses, either.  some folks of extremely high intelligence have a lower level of ambition (or financial desires) and choose to spend their time in a more relaxing, less taxing environment.  other folks of mediocre intelligence work their asses off in order to earn a high-status position.  you never really know until you know them.  really well.

i also wonder whether or not intelligence is something you're born with, or something that can be learned.  i did some research, and found claims to support both.  perhaps it's a combination of the two.  you're born with a predisposition for intelligence, and your drive/determination/opportunity to grow determines your adult level of intellect.  perhaps.

taking the above thoughts, i then turn it on myself and try to figure out: what would someone think of me if they were to meet me for the first time wandering in the grocery store, and how did i get here?

i was talking to my boyfriend over the weekend after having read an article on the "gifted and talented" programs that k-12 schools use in order to determine which adolescents are the "chosen ones" for accelerated classes.  in my early days, i was one of those kids.  one of those pegged as "gifted" and "bright", fortunate to be plopped into the higher-level coursework that pushed me ahead of the pack back then.  i was considered highly intelligent.  i felt highly intelligent.  for a pre-teen.

and then things just started to slow.  my accelerated rate of growth started to taper off and lead me to where i am today (in my opinion): above average, but by no means gifted to a significantly higher degree than others.  moderately intelligent.  not a super intellect.

these days, i feel like i gain one new piece of knowledge, and one old piece of knowledge falls out of my ear. visualize that.  i do.  i have reached my mental saturation point and, in order to maintain equilibrium, must balance new knowledge with the old.

i imagine, if i were to be walking in the grocery store, folks would see my intelligence level as it is - decent, but no sparkling mind.  i'm sure there are also moments i'm judged for having sub-par smarts as well!  like, when i lose my keys or am unable to form words coherently.  or when i try to merge into the right hand lane only to be honked at by the bmw that was immediately beside me (yeah, that happened less than 12 hours ago...).

and i wonder - what happened?  was i destined for a steep early learning curve and a high-school plateau of intelligence, or did i just stop trying?  am i assessing myself correctly, or are there areas of intellect which have developed and gone unnoticed?

(pretty sure i'm just middle of the road.  just posing questions so that you can contemplate this about yourself.)

i found an article breaking down intelligence in a way i had never before seen.  i have provided it below, along with notes as they relate to my vision of myself.

my question for you: how do you rate in the below areas (in your opinion), and do you think that the mind has a capacity that, once reached, just tapers off?

here's a bit from the article that i find most interesting:

Cattell-Horn-Carroll theory

Main article: Cattell-Horn-Carroll theory

Many of the broad, recent IQ tests have been greatly influenced by the Cattell-Horn-Carroll theory. It is argued to reflect much of what is known about intelligence from research. A hierarchy of factors is used. g is at the top. Under it there are 10 broad abilities that in turn are subdivided into 70 narrow abilities. The broad abilities are:^[24]

(Let's do a rating system...1 being pretty shitty, and 10 being effing excellent)

• Fluid Intelligence (Gf): includes the broad ability to reason, form concepts, and solve problems using unfamiliar information or novel procedures. (i'd give myself a 6)
• Crystallized Intelligence (Gc): includes the breadth and depth of a person's acquired knowledge, the ability to communicate one's knowledge, and the ability to reason using previously learned experiences or procedures. (i'd give myself a 4 - i swear, things fall out of my ears)
• Quantitative Reasoning (Gq): the ability to comprehend quantitative concepts and relationships and to manipulate numerical symbols. (solid 3 in this category...not my best area)
• Reading & Writing Ability (Grw): includes basic reading and writing skills. (i'd give myself an 8)
• Short-Term Memory (Gsm): is the ability to apprehend and hold information in immediate awareness and then use it within a few seconds. (i'd give myself a 7 - critical as a cocktail waitress!)
• Long-Term Storage and Retrieval (Glr): is the ability to store information and fluently retrieve it later in the process of thinking. (i will give myself a 5 - i have a selectively good long-term memory, and am better with images than facts)
• Visual Processing (Gv): is the ability to perceive, analyze, synthesize, and think with visual patterns, including the ability to store and recall visual representations. (i'd give myself a 6...i definitely think visually)
• Auditory Processing (Ga): is the ability to analyze, synthesize, and discriminate auditory stimuli, including the ability to process and discriminate speech sounds that may be presented under distorted conditions. (i'd give myself a 3 - not my strongest area)
• Processing Speed (Gs): is the ability to perform automatic cognitive tasks, particularly when measured under pressure to maintain focused attention. (i perform well under pressure...let's go with an 8)
• Decision/Reaction Time/Speed (Gt): reflect the immediacy with which an individual can react to stimuli or a task (typically measured in seconds or fractions of seconds; not to be confused with Gs, which typically is measured in intervals of 2–3 minutes). (similar to the above - i'd give myself a 7.5)

agree with me.  disagree with me.  tell me about you.  just share :)

don't read this during lunch

...or breakfast.  or dinner.  really, only continue reading this if you have a strong tum and glean any enjoyment whatsoever from the following:

poo.

number two.  poop.  turd.  crap.  shit.  i could go on for a while here...

i happen to find bathroom humor very, very entertaining.  judge me if you will, but don't deny that you have giggled over potty jokes in the past.  you have.

i realized this morning that someone beat me to my potential calling in life: a poo blog.  i've gotta give it to them...they've really covered their bases.  from "first memory of poop" to "shit of my career", they take it throughout the entire life cycle of one's memory of the bowel movement.

the site i found: "the poop report: intellectual appreciation of poop humor"

my favorite section thus far: eternal debates <--check it out.

i'll never forget when i saw the largest number two of my life.  it changed my perspective on (a) the possibilities of poo and (b) related debauchery forever.

i was in college, and some lady friends and i had decided to go ninja-style-ductape-attack the suite of boys a floor below.  it involved black clothing, face paint, and the ever-so-necessary sticky tape of terror.  creeping downstairs, we swiftly ductaped each of the bedroom doors shut, and then tied them to the door knob immediately across the hall with more tape.  we were pretty satisfied with ourselves, and celebrated by going out to dinner.

upon returning home, we heard a shriek coming from the bathroom of our lady suite.  now, in those days a bathroom shriek could have meant a number of things.  a shower rendezvous, an unexpected aunt flow, etc.  in this instance, however, we were all caught off guard.  as we converged in the restroom we saw one of our suitemates staring into the toilet bowl, pointing, a look of horror on her face.  there it was, the largest poo i had ever seen.  it was so large, in fact, that it had to be broken up (use your imagination) so that it could be flushed!  i am brave, but not that brave.  i don't remember who took on the task, but bless her heart.

we could only assume that it was payback from the gentlemen downstairs.  it was absolutely a man-sized dropping, and a monster one at that.  what i still have yet to figure out...

there was no toilet paper to accompany the poo in the bowl.  how did that happen?

i'll probably never know.  and i honestly don't know that i want to.

suddenly, i'm not very hungry for lunch...

(have a funny poo story?  comment!)

mixed signals

i know, i know.  i've been a shit blogger lately.  so sue me.  i hear online shopping is just as entertaining (if a bit more expensive) while aQ is elsewhere distracted...it's the holidays, after all.


(what i really mean: i'm sorry!  i'll try harder.)


the past few weeks have been a whirlwind, complete with end-of-the-year work projects with tight deadlines, christmas shopping, tree decorating, holiday party planning, and desperately trying to make sure my friends don't forget that i exist as i'm buried under life's never-ending "to do" list.


have you forgotten that i existed?


speaking of which...my friend c$ recently shared an article with me, an article which has captured an email written by a man who, it seems, was forgotten about (or completely avoided).


prior to allowing you to read the text of the artful piece, let me share with you my friend's take...and then my own...


c$:  "sure, it's over the top, but give the guy a little break... it's kind of what all of us really think when someone doesn't call us back after a perfectly good first date... he just had the balls/lunacy to tell the person. because if you're really honest with yourself, you've totally had this monologue in your head before.  at least, I have.  I just wouldn't seek out an email of someone who has been blatantly ignoring me and demand an explanation. (although I would love one)"


aQ: two sides of this coin in amy land.  of course i've had this conversation with imaginary versions of love interests.  he didn't pursue me the way i had hoped he would, and i (in the privacy of my own mind) would let him know just how fortunate he was that i had given him the time of day.  and also pointed out to him all of his flaws, and the ways in which i would have made his life better.  now, did i ever send an actual message to said less-than-gentlemen?  no way.  perhaps a "this doesn't seem to be what either of us is looking for.  nice meeting you.  best of luck. (effing a-hole dimwit)" but never anything like this....


check it out, babies...and let me know if you've done anything remotely similar!!!!
the eloquent, uncomfortable letter (source: New York Observer)

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

(aQ: heh heh heh...evil cackle...)

lost in the woods

after a week of self-pitying sickness, pre-thanksgiving anxiety, thanksgiving feasting, and post-thanksgiving digestion, the boyfriend and i decided to bring our pup - brewster - to the park for a short hike.  a relaxing, yet calorie-burning, walk around a nearby lake.  family time.

we geared up, sperry shoes and all, and headed out to crabtree park.  it was just under 70 degrees (in november), and effin' beautiful.

we figured we'd spend about an hour plodding around, allowing the pup to discover new smells and "claim" his territory as he ever-so-manly peed in strategic locations.  and that's how it began.

we started out on the nearest loop, and quickly realized that it was designed for pu$$ies.  a quarter mile was not what we had in mind, and brewster was clearly not yet satisfied either.  so we opted for the 'round the lake route.

we'd done this route before, or at least part of it.  it circles around the entire lake, which honestly is fairly small.  after about 20 minutes, we met a couple who were coming in the opposite direction, just finishing up the entirety of the trek.  "are you all planning to make it all the way around?" they asked.  we pondered.  looking across the lake, everything looked so peaceful.  so relaxing.  such an easy hike...right?  "maybe." we responded...all the while thinking, "most likely we'll end up turning around so that our poor dog doesn't get worn out.  but We are champions."  leaving the couple in our slow-walkin' dust, we continued on.  and on.  until, finally, we pulled up google maps on the boyfriend's cell phone.  we were almost halfway around, we'd gone about three miles, and at this point, we may as well go all the way.  and so, we went.  a full six-plus miles, up hills and down hills, across mini-bridges and mud patches, blisters growing and sun setting.

and it was wonderful.

it's amazing, how long periods of time without technology or other distraction can open up windows of conversation that aren't otherwise prompted to be located.  significant memories and joyful experiences that get hidden in the recesses of our minds so that, it seems, even we have forgotten them.  but they're there, and rediscovering them that day brought back a world of childhood happiness that increased my level of "thankfulness" over the thanksgiving day weekend.

in getting to know my boyfriend, we mainly focused on our recent past, present, and hoped-for future.  we have predominantly lived in the present, and made goals for moving forward.  if and when the past has been touched upon, it has primarily been in brief summarial format, glossing over the basics in order to better explain present circumstances.  long stretches of time for extended stories or conversations are rare, and generally saved for reviewing our weeks, or planning for the next one.  we have been together for over two and a half years, yet i realized, i had never fully gathered a picture of what his childhood was like.  what did he do?  who did he spend time with?  what was his relationship with his sibling like, and how did his parents become the people they are?

i want to know.

perhaps you think this is unimportant.  unnecessary details that aren't relevant to my current relationship.  but you're wrong.

i want my boyfriend to eventually be my family.  and i want his family to be my family.  understanding this, why shouldn't i try to have a deep understanding of his past so that, moving forward, i have a deeper connection to who he is and why he is.

and so, we walked.  and we talked.  at length, in detail, resurrecting our childhoods and reliving fond memories.  i introduced him to little-girl-amy, the shy and passive introvert who loved to play in the woods, catch bugs, and impress others by her progress in reading her big red websters dictionary.  he, in turn, introduced me to adolescent him.  the boy who played street hockey, went camping, and wanted to be an inventor.

laying in bed that night, i started thinking about all of the new information i had gathered.  about all of the time that has passed, as we have gotten to know each other as we are now, without getting to know how the other really started out.  without getting a taste of what it was to be in the adolescent mind of the person we're in love with.

and i wondered - does everyone else know that about their significant other?  do they know the same of their friends made in adult life?  do they ask?  do they even think it's important?

...and if not...why?

i had an incredible weekend.  i have some homework to do with my friends, further research planned for my boyfriend, and i'm interested in you.  let me know.