don't judge me for analyzing my relationships. i'm a human. and have you met me (via this blog or otherwise)?
it's what.i.do.
i think that everyone can honestly say that their friendships are not all one and the same. the love or like you feel with a friend feels different from person to person, relationship to relationship, and the way your friendships look from the outside also varies.
some folks try to categorize their friendships into functions.
"this is my gym friend." "this is my girl-talk friend." "this is my coffee date friend." "this is my mom friend." "this is my family friend."
i have pondered that strategy, but i don't think it really works.
i had a nice long discussion with a friend last night - a friend i'll put on tier 1, without hesitation (we'll get to what that means later) - about how to appropriately describe the difference between unique levels of friendship.
and i think that they fall into tiers of closeness and connectedness.
right now, i'm going to say - no tier is an indication of higher/lower quality human being or level of fun that can be had with that person. not at ALL. it's just an indicator of the level of connectedness, the intensity of the friend love and "oh, they so get me!" moments.
i will also say that, more than likely, if you were ever to ASK me what tier you fall on, there's no way i'd tell you. feelings can get hurt when they shouldn't be. competition between friends of friends ought not exist (in my opinion). and it certainly isn't an indicator of my level of respect or opinion of you. i would probably shake out within your tiers exactly where you'd shake out on mine. heck - i might even shake out on your level 3 while for me you are a level 2. but who cares!?
it's just something i like to think about.
we're talking connectedness here, people. from fun times, common interests, all the way to soul sisters who seem as if they share the same brain waves. all wonderful people involved. otherwise they wouldn't be in the system of tiers at all :)
here is a visual of how i see these tiers shakin' out:
so let's get started with some delineation as to how the tiers shake out. feel free to add your comments/revisions as you see fit below in the comments box.
tier 4 - friendly faces
you see each other out and about. friends of friends, you have met them at social engagements and you are now (or were immediately) on a hugging basis. you have arrived. you're friends!
if you see them out, you know they'll recognize you and you know to expect a conversation. so you pray that, when you do bump into each other, you look put together.
these people probably hear some of your silly stories that you're willing to admit to most, know enough about you to ask how you're doing with some level of background understanding, and are probably on your list of invitees if you ever throw a good-size party. you don't necessarily expect that they'll show up - but you want them to know that they are welcome, and know they'd add to the group fun. always a joy to see at a large get together - but not in your inner circle.
if you see them out, it's exciting! everyone loves a friendly face, and this one has the potential to be a lot of fun over drinks in a group. but you wouldn't invite them to intimate social gatherings. you wouldn't share your deeper thoughts/feelings with them. you are more likely to give them lip service and more likely to say "i'm doing well, how are you?" when they ask rather than saying, "i've been stuck on the toilet all day, i'm pissed at my dog and i'm pmsing."
you connect on a very peripheral level - and they're fun.
tier 3 - on the list
these are the people you easily list off when you're inviting people to a party. and you're pretty sure that - if possible - they're gonna be there. these are folks you can grab an easy lunch with, and at the level at which you would spend time making plans to get together. you wouldn't just rely on bumping into them by chance (like those in tier 4).
these are friends you can relax with. meet up at the gym in sweatpants or without make-up or a hair brush. these friends are those who you would think to call if throwing a more intimate backyard bash. the friends who you can go shopping with, get your nails done with, meet after work occasionally and discuss lightly personal topics. you share some things in common.
these are friends you can share your thoughts with, but not someone who would ever be a candidate for constructive criticism (even if they ask for it). you're not that close, it's none of your business, and you can leave it to their tier 1 or 2 friends to handle that. think they're drinking too much? not your business. think they are dating a douche-bag? none of your business. think their parents are being dick-faces? still, none of your business. keep those opinions to yourself, but otherwise it's an easy friendship.
these friends pierce the outer level of friendship and connect with you on a more significant level. they're worth making the effort to spend time with. but there are still areas that aren't your (or their) damn business.
tier 2 - the best buddies
this group is a nice one. the ladies you know you can trust. the ladies that really listen, that really hear, and that clearly make an effort to be there for you when you need them. they're close friends, and they are important to you. if all goes well, you'll know them for a loooong time.
often times, these are the ladies you spend most of your time with. because you make an extra special point to. you don't just feel obligated to show up for their birthday/personal event/etc., you WANT to be there. and if you can't be, you not only feel as if you let them down, but you're also really disappointed that you missed out on sharing that experience with them.
these people matter. a lot. and they're super valuable. you probably have history. have known each other for a while. you have inside jokes, warm memories, and friends in common.
if you need an honest opinion, you know you can call on these girls. if you need a last-minute mega-huge favor, you know you can call on these girls. if you're in trouble and need a stern talkin-to, you know you can count on these girls. your business is their business. because they really care.
when they're sad or in a difficult spot, you may lose sleep over it. you feel compelled to be there for them and to try to help their situation. you are a shoulder to cry on and you've cried on theirs. and you always love sharing your awful/gross/wild stories with them.
you're in a judgement-free zone 75% of the time, and that's a great place to be.
for some people, this is the highest tier friend they ever find. and that's OK! these people are special, they support you, and they know they can count on you for the same. they form a solid foundation in your social world, and you are happy to be associated with them.
these friends hit just outside of your very soul - which is pretty damn close. when you find these ladies, you take care of those friendships. nuture them. because they're a critical element of any happy gal's life.
tier 1 - soul sisters
don't laugh at me for this title - after a loooong time spent thinking about the way in which i could accurately describe this connection, it's the only way i could think to state it. soul sisters. those women who seem to have been separated from you at birth. or who were born into the world for the sole purpose of one day being your friend.
you just "click". it's inevitable. these are the people with whom you can talk long into the night without realizing it's 1am. the people who are just on the same wavelength. you share your innermost issues, fears and insecurities, and find that you probably share a large majority of the same.
they just "get it" - and you just get them. it's effortless. completely fluid. and sometimes unbelievable.
these are the friends that not everyone finds. and they can be lived without.
but damn, they are life-enhancers.
these are the people i love to refer to as my forever friends. the people who you could go years without seeing, and then reconnect like it had only been yesterday.
the inner core of a person (their soul) doesn't change. and if you're connected there, there's really no maintenance needed.
sure - you would LOVE to see these people (or person) every day. but if you don't, you don't lose sleep over it. these people can be counted on to understand, to just accept the forever friendship as it is, and not to sweat the small stuff.
this is a 100% judgement-free zone. the people your heart breaks with. the people your heart leaps with. the people who accept you, COMPLETELY as you are, no ifs ands or buts.
if you are lucky enough to live nearby to one or more of these friends, take ADVANTAGE of it. because it may not be forever.
but the good news is, if distance does come between you, it'll be ok. jobs may change. lovers may change. looks may change. hobbies may change. but who they really are is all that really matters.
and that, my friend, is forever.
can you easily identify your friends on these tiers? do you think they matter? have you found any of your tier 1's?
share your thoughts...i'm interested :)
and to ALL of my friends, in every tier: i love you. and you make my life matter.
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