bat-shit crazy awesome

When I’m Drinking, My Cell Phone is a Deadly Weapon and Belongs NO WHERE Near Me

(guest post, written by: anonymous awesome chick)

As AQ mentioned in her VALIDATION post, I also leave girl time with a sense of validation. My ladyboos accept my feelings, understand them and nurture them.

After a phenomenal weekend with girlfriends (and a handful of exceptional, male lovers-of-my-ladyboos), I experienced similar validation Sunday night and Monday morning in the form of a voicemail and subsequent phone conversation from/with my ex.

I was mad when I broke up with my ex. But when I ran into him, I still had this major urge to kiss him. It feels weird to not interact with him at all when I was having such fun getting to know him. I’m curious about what he’s done the past couple of weeks. And I hope that we can have a conversation in the future and not just wave across the room when we run into each other. I feel rejected and ignored.

AND THEN I GOT THIS VOICEMAIL.

He rambled. He apologized. He said this is hard. He sounded sad and miserable. He asked if we could get coffee.

I returned his call Monday and the same thing happened. He rambled. He apologized. He told me that I’m amazing. He asked to have a conversation. Painful feelings acknowledged. VALIDATION.

I was not free for coffee. I felt great all day.

AND THEN I MUCKED IT ALL UP.

Night fell. I enjoyed after-work wine + Jameson with a friend. I pulled out my deadliest weapon and drunk-dialed my ex to tell him that we should hook up before we go out of town for Thanksgiving.  What.The.Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I am motherfucking self-sabotaging. I made it more difficult for my ex to have a conversation with me and I embarrassed myself with my behavior.

What lessons can I learn from this derail?

1.       My girlfriends have my back and love me and accept me even though I sometimes make poor choices and do dumb things.
2.       I do not need a shot of Jameson.
3.       My phone is evil not a toy.
4.       My behavior seemed bat shit crazy last night, and now, through talking with two trusted listeners, I am laughing at myself.
5.       All of this is connected. I craved validation and after making self-destructive choices, I let out all of these painful feelings that I ignored and that gained strength while I was ignoring them.

Thank you, ladyboos, for validating my feelings. And no thank you, cell phone, for storing phone numbers and connecting calls.