flirt?

response to yesterday's post has prompted me to follow up with thoughts on flirting.  what is it, who does it, what does it mean, how is it intended, and how is it interpreted...all questions which can be widely found on the internet.  the corresponding answers are much more difficult to find.

...i'm serious.  i did the search.

it seems that millions of folks out there have a difficult time reading "friendly" versus "flirty", "outgoing" versus "interested", "social" versus "wants to bang my brains out."

don't believe me?  do the search yourself.

having done substantial research both online and in conversations, i have come to the following conclusion: it's all based on individual opinion and perception.


for example.  a girl talks to two guys at a restaurant bar.  they discuss their favorite beer, and familiarity with the menu.  one guy may feel she's interested in him.  the other may take the conversation at face value: she's trying to decide what the hell to order.  the truth of the situation is all in her intent.  was she using this conversation as a gateway to score an eventual date, or sincerely just looking for someone to weigh in on the menu?

it can be tricky to read, but not even registering on the girl's radar that conversing with male human beings may be interpreted the wrong way.

another example.  a guy is at the grocery store standing in line with a cart load of man food.  a gal gets in line behind him with a pint of ben & jerry's.  he lets her get in front of him in line, in an effort to be considerate.  he knows his check-out time is going to take a while.  she thinks he's flirting.  misinterpretation.

it can go the other way as well.  sometimes, folks who flirt with intent come off as friendly rather than "interested", and misinterpretation again will happen.  it's a tough line to draw, where is the boundary?

it's all interpretation.  personal perception.

from personal experience, i have found that folks on the receiving or observing end have a greater tendency to interpret actions or words as "flirty" if the person in question is somewhat attractive.  they're more likely to be noticed, more likely to be analyzed, and more likely to be misinterpreted.

i'm spending time analyzing this because i encounter these situations often.  i myself have been the analyzer, and the analyzed.  i know that i have misinterpreted folks intentions toward me, and i also know that i have (recently) been misinterpreted.  by both men and women.

without a doubt, i am outgoing.  i am friendly.  i am a sharer online, in person, and on the phone.  i rarely meet a new person i don't like, and even less frequently meet someone i don't want to know more about.

i make eye contact.  i give hugs.  i like to dance, and do not discriminate.  man or woman, young or old, twirl me around and you're making my day.

i am also in a relationship.  which i'm very open to admitting and usually bring up in conversation.  i do not make sexual overtures, i do not tell other men they are "sexy" or "hot", and the only bums i grab belong to my boyfriend or my girlfriends (in jest).

the fact that someone is in a relationship does not mean they shouldn't feel flattered by attention from the opposite sex.  it does not mean they should feel embarrassed upon receiving it.  it does mean that they should not dishonestly solicit it or take action when opportunity presents itself.

just because you're "off the market" doesn't mean you're no longer going to attract the opposite sex.  it doesn't mean you can't meet new people.  it just means you have to be honest and refrain from behaving in a way in which your partner would feel disrespected.  all couples are different.  you make your own rules.

i will never be a wallflower.  i will never opt out of a safe dance partner.  and i will never, ever cheat on my boyfriend.

i am who i am.  and i'm where i am because of it.

my personality helps me in new friendships.  male and female, i approach human beings similarly.  it helps me in business relationships.  i earn trust, respect, and further interest in getting to know me.

many women i am close to have experienced the difficulty in drawing the appropriate lines between "business-sociable" and "business inappropriate" in order to develop relationships yet maintain professional distance.  the cold shoulder doesn't get you business.  but neither do open legs (usually - i choose not to find out).  when a potential or existing client makes unwanted advances, what is a professional female to do?  heck - when a female makes unwanted advances on a professional male, what is he to do?

people see what they want to see, hear things the way they want to hear them, and take from situations what they want to take.  navigation of social seas can be tricky, and sometimes treacherous.

let's give people the benefit of the doubt.  let people be who they are, joke around, and enjoy themselves without taking them too seriously.  if someone is really "looking for something", odds are they'll ramp up their game until they get it.

otherwise, let 'em be.

(i'm interested in your thoughts - and you're allowed to disagree!  this is, as always, my personal opinion.  take it for what you will.)