sorry. kind of.
i've been writing for what seems like forever. started a diary as soon as i could write, and have continued to use writing as an outlet into adulthood. looking back on my writing patterns, it's clear that there is a direct relationship between drama and my writing output. drama goes up, writing does as well. drama goes down, so does the frequency of my writing.
from this, you have my reasoning behind not having written: things have been pretting effin' calm!
drama has been at a minimum, things are carrying along smoothly, there have been little to no "bumps in the road" for amy Q.
it's now early november, and i'm listening to christmas music as i type. yes, christmas music. my boyfriend refuses to "cheat" on thanksgiving, but i don't play by those rules. bring on nat king cole and the little drummer boy. i'm ready for santa.
the only particularly interesting tid bits i perhaps ought to have shared earlier on involve the concept of being "off the market". that is, committed to a romantic partner. not available. taken.
i absolutely consider myself to be as described above, and have a strong desire to appear so as well. behavior only gets you so far, playing the conservative card and making smart decisions. this lady needs a physical sign of "stay the eff away, my heart and body belong to someone else." this generally exists in the form of a ring or two. at this point, i barely care what it looks like. i just want the "private property" i consider myself to be as evident to those new folks i meet.
for the record: i want my man to have the same sort of signage. big and bold, can't be missed, "back off ladies, this man's taken."
i go through waves of impatience on this issue, and lately have been feeling pretty chilled out about it. i'm not going anywhere. he's not going anywhere. we love each other. it'll happen.
i also go out of town. to business conferences and girls weekends. and this is where it gets brought to the forefront.
when meeting new gentlemen, "boyfriend" just doesn't seem to hold the same weight as "fiance" or "hubby". to some, it seems that "boyfriend" even means "my man of the moment - please introduce yourself as a new potential option." i may have translated it that way in previous relationships, but not these days. i mean business with this one, and i know lots of other ladies who feel the same way about their own gents.
a few weekends ago, i took a fabulous trip to charleston with some of my best, beautiful girlfriends. along the way, we attracted some new gentleman friends, and we were very clear about who was on and off the market. we drank, we danced, we made new friends and tried not to send mixed messages. those of us who were "taken" were careful to maintain respectful boundaries. it didn't exactly seem to matter. we had offers.i was in charlotte last week at a business conference, and at the end of the first day i received a phone call from a potential business lead. he asked me to join his colleague and him for some business conversation over dinner. who am i to turn down such an invitation? so i went.
i ended up at a table with four interesting gentlemen. a few in their 40s/50s, one in his 70s. two of them married. one of them dating. my "business contact" apparently in an "open relationship." dinner was fun, relationships were developed, and by the end of the night i felt i had made some sure headway into potential business prospects.
following dinner, i found myself conspicuously left alone to walk back to the hotel with my "business contact" - a handsome open-relationship man to whom i made it absolutely clear i am Not in a similar sort of relationship. that mine is the real deal. again, this didn't really seem to matter.
he flirted. he told me my boyfriend would never marry me. he described to me my life if i were to "be" with him. and he tried to follow me into my hotel room. he was, without hesitation, denied.
i left the conference feeling productive, professional...and underestimated. underestimated, not in a professional sense, but in the realm of my relationship. first of all, what right does a stranger have assuming my relationship isn't going to go the distance. second of all - where does someone see a "green" light where i am clearly verbalizing and behaving a "red", "no trespassing, violators will be prosecuted" sort of stop sign?
my real question: would it make a difference if i called my partner by a different title? would the light seem more "red" if i were to be engaged or have a husband?
i just don't know...but i hope so.
what do you think?
To be sure, there is something very wrong when taken men are trolling for eligible women, as well as when available men are attempting to take home taken women.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think that what is considered friendly banter (jn the case of the business dinner) or even harmless flirtation (in the case of the bar acquaintances) from an attractive woman can easily be construed as far far from a red light. Quite the opposite in fact. And I think that, taken or no, many women thrive even on these "inappropriate" solicitations, gleaning affirmation of their own attractiveness/virility even while they simultaneously feel affronted.
So while there is a problem when men are acting out of line, I think women also have a role to play in not attempting to gain satisfaction from the attentions of others when we are, in fact, not really interested in those attentions.
anonymous - interesting thoughts. and i'll absolutely admit that in some cases, you're correct. to a certain extent, attention from men (whether you're "taken" or not) is a boost to the ego. but not always. specifically in the case of the business dinner. in business networking situations, there should be an understanding of professional distance as well. and an insistence of a serious relationship does not ever = green light to try to get into a woman's pants. it made me extremely uncomfortable having to maneuver between getting rid of him and not offending a potential business lead.
ReplyDeleteOh, girl, i sooooo feel you on this one on both points: being hit on when you are making it clear you’re not interested and feeling the need to have a more physical symbol (a ring) to indicate your seriousness and diffuse awkward social situations. only in my case, due to the length of our relationship (nearly 8 years) a third awkward situations has now arisen.
ReplyDeleteSituation One: dude hitting on me, not getting the point that i’m not interested, clearly thinking ‘boyfriend’ = ‘not serious’ when they couldn’t be more wrong, all because a ring isn’t on my finger...
Situation Two: people who are close to me/us that i/we haven’t seen in more than a few weeks asking where the ring is, why we aren’t married, and assuming something is wrong with us/our relationship because we are not engaged....
Situation Three: people who i/we are just meeting that refer to my boyfriend as my ‘husband’ (or me as his wife) which we tend to let slide if we think we won’t see the person again, only because it’s not worth the explanation of “we live together, plan to get married, but aren’t engaged yet”
Have you run into Situation Three yet?
AAAHHH corrie i love you :) i love that we're in similar situations, and YES i have absolutely encountered situation three. several times. it's uncomfortable to (a) make them uncomfortable by correcting them, and then b) having to "explain" yourself...when it should speak for itself.
ReplyDeleteyou know what it's like :)
(ps - i've been following your blog - if i had more free time, my place would be as festive and well-decorated as yours...or at least there would be an attempt!)
haha i adore you. i love that you have also encountering the super awkward situaition three (then again, i also hate that you've had to deal with it, too!)
ReplyDeleteand don't worry, it was mostly just the mantle that was festive :o) ...but just you wait 'til christmas...that's what i really love to decorate for! thansk for following along. xo
ugh. typos. fail.
ReplyDelete