self-absorbed

i spent the past few days in colorado and was reminded of several things:

1.  altitude enhances the effect of alcohol and decreases my tolerance
2.  i really like the industry i'm working in
3. melatonin is a travelers best friend
4.  i LOVE people.
5.  even extroverts need "alone" time.

i love people. new people, old friends, young folks, old folks, (i even try to love smelly folks)...i get a high from exchanges with people, and i love to contribute energy to a group dynamic.

by the end of the trip, however, intense networking and new friend-making had taken its toll. i needed to recharge. which is exactly what i planned to do on the plane ride(s) home.

on the first leg of my trip, i settled into my seat (aisle of course - critical for those of us with teensy bladders) and closed my eyes. curled up under the blazer i was using as a blanket, i probably passed out for a solid hour.

i was roused from my nap by the feeling that i was being watched. opening my eyes, i looked up at a smiling man looking down on me from the seat to my right. "are you cold?" he whispered. "i'm fine" i said, and i quickly closed my eyes again in an attempt to halt possible conversation. this was "me" time, an opportunity to recharge my social batteries, and i wasnt really feelin' conversation. at the same time, i was a little creeped out. what was this dude doing, watching me?  and what was that smile all about?

as the cabin lights came back on and we were told to prepare for initial descent into minnesota (my first stop on the way home), i opened my eyes and sat up...praying for some quiet time, yet quickly aware that my neighbor had different plans. he asked me what i did. same big smile. i couldnt figure him out. i told him why i'd been in colorado, and figured i should at least be generally polite and ask him about himself. it was clear he wanted to talk.

apparently he lives in fargo, and was visiting family in california for quality time and some vineyard tours in napa. we shared napa stories, and then he cut away from himself and started asking about me again. the entire time my inner grump was thinking, "why do you care?  and why the heck are you still smiling!?". eventually he took my minimal responses as a cue and turned to chat with the guy in the window seat. captive audience until we exited the plane. apparently they were both from fargo, and they started chatting about 5 and 10k races they had both run. same big smile. same sense of sincere interest in this complete stranger.

and then he said, "i used to love the 10k's, and was training for a half marathon until the chemo." my heart stopped at the "c" word, always a terrifying tell-tale of the Big C.

having experienced my own mothers fight with cancer, i am familiar with the effects of chemo. it kills the cancer cells, yes. but it simultaneously kills off the life inside of you. it makes you sick. it slows you down. it makes you feel like you're dying when you're trying not to.

i turned to join in their conversation, hating myself for my previous judgement of this man. he looked healthy. he seemed happy - heck, he seemed to have a perma-smile on his face. he told me it started as stage two cancer in his colon, and then it spread into his liver where it developed to stage 4.

i hopefully asked, "so i assume you are now in remission?". "well, no. the doctors said that once its in my liver, they can remove it, but it will always return. its going to eventually get me. but i'm here today."

that's when reality really kicked me in the face. i was sitting beside a dying man. a man i had just moments earlier judged for smiling too much.

he wasnt a "creeper". he is a man who has his priorities straight. and i am an asshole.

we departed the plane, and he kindly allowed several others to get off before him.  i waited in the terminal, unable to let him go without telling him that it had, truly, been very nice to meet him.  we exchanged smiles, goodbyes, and he was off.  i'll probably never see him again.  i don't know how much longer he'll be around.  but he's taking full advantage of every opportunity he has left.


while i was self-absorbed, wondering if my pants should be dry cleaned or thinking about my need of a manicure, this man was working on making a positive impact on the world.

i am not the only one with problems. i am not the only one whose mental and emotional wheels turn with things going on behind the scenes. 


i needed the reminder. i only wish it hadnt taken a dying man to drive the message home.


i know it's a cliche.  life is too short.  but take my experience for what you will.  i hope you really, truly enjoy your day today.