the road is worth it

i often think in metaphors.  if you're into that type of thing, perfect.  read on.  if not - this ain't for you.

i look through the rear view mirror of my relationship journey all of the time, and doing so makes me so thankful for the distance i've come.  it's been a winding road that started out slowly...i honestly think i spent years in a "parked" position before i actually grew the female-version of balls to get movin'.

once on the road, i definitely started with my seat belt on, driving below the speed limit.  i saw other people flying by me and, while it sometimes looked like a blast, it effin' terrified me.  i saw some of them enjoy a smooth joy ride, while others ended up on the side of the road...they crashed and burned.  good thing we have friends for roadside assistance.  i've certainly needed it, i've been it, and i'm still available for service.

it gets pretty dull going it alone in everyone else's dust, so i picked up speed.  i definitely didn't see some of the potholes coming - the sexy ones that catch you by surprise and make you take your hands off the wheel, or the fun ones that have "potential", sometimes leading you to a side-road and off the main highway.  when those roads got monotonous, or just didn't feel like i was going in the right direction, i'd turn back.  i started leaving people in my dust, and while i sympathized, i knew it was time to change directions and i got myself back on track.

that's until i got effing t-boned.  i didn't see it coming.  it was my turn to crash, flying off the road into a heap of destructed, crumpled shit.  by the time i regained consciousness, i realized i was totally and utterly lost.

i'm fairly certain that everyone has had a similar experience to my crashing and burning.  it's those times where you look around you and wonder how the HELL you didn't anticipate it, and why you didn't correct yourself before it was too late.  the "what ifs" and "if onlys" come into play, but they aren't going to get you anywhere.  it feels impossible to look ahead because your darn front windshield is cracked and you think you just might be totaled this time.

it's embarassing.  confidence is lost, and you feel like everybody can see where you're broken.  it's even worse if they witnessed as you were breaking down.  it's not until you realize that everybody has dings and scratches that this begins to pass and you get over your own.

everybody handles recovery to this kind of situation differently.  some people turn back, trying to find a safer road to travel.  others end up stuck in the rut they landed in.  in my case, i decided to get as far away from the scene of the crash, and i did it as fast as i could.

i think we've all experienced something similar to this full-throttle getaway.  and it can be a blast!  mine certainly had its moments.  but my own misfortune stuck with me. i kept looking in the rear view mirror at that wreck i once was.  it kept me from driving in a straight line because i wasn't looking in the right direction.

you move on and you get past it - you have to, unless you want to get yourself into the same situation all over again - and you slow your pace to just keep up with the daily grind.  you lose your inclination for risk-taking and ready yourself for the long drive ahead...even if it's alone.

when you least expect it, you find one of your own.  an experienced driver who's also had their fair share of fender benders and pot holes.  up until this point it can suck hard and feel lonely, even boring, but believe me - this is worth waiting for.  in my experience, you don't always drive at the same pace, but you tackle the road together and you guide each other in the right direction.  the drive is so much more enjoyable with a partner.

i look back now and, while the memory of past accidents may still bring forth pain, i can appreciate the important part they played in sending me off in the direction of where i find myself now.  i learned from every mistake, and i gained understanding of the road from every misguided adventure.  i've come a long way, and i'm so happy to be here.  if you're not here yet, don't worry - it's a long road, and it's really not a race.  i'll see ya when you get here, and until then, i'm always available for roadside assistance.