first off, lets look at the reasons that naive minds might think that the life of a woman has significant disadvantages to the life of a man:
1. we menstruate and get pms
2. we have biological clocks
3. we have to wear make-up and worry about clothes
4. we feel pressured to stay thin
5. we have to shave our legs
6. we're the ones that have to give birth
7. we're not as good at sports
let's start with menstruation. yes, once a month (for most of us) we have a visit from the "dreaded" aunt flow. it's inconvenient, it requires maintenance, and it hinders our ability to enjoy certain romantic "activities". have you ever thought about what a wonderful monthly reminder this is that we are not pregnant? how exciting it is to know for sure that we don't have anything to worry about for at least another month? that the potential for an accident has been avoided yet again? it's a reason to celebrate! the inconvenience of maintenance pales in comparison to this joyous confirmation. and with regard to romantic activities...as far as i'm concerned, if we're not enjoying 'em, someone else is missing out at the same time. and it's probably a man.
pms can suck, to be sure - and yes, gentlemen, it certainly does exist. keep in mind, though, dear friends - if you ever wanted an excuse to kill that pint of ice cream in one sitting, here you have it. if you needed a reason to lay low for an evening with a seriously awesome chick flick rather than tag along with your man to a game, no excuse needed! it's also a topic which provides us lucky ladies with an experience to bond over. i'd like to hear something similar that men can discuss.
and on to the biological clocks. all i have to say about it is this - do you Really want to be a parent after age 40? women generally don't have the option. i think that is a fabulous phenomenon. men, on the other hand...unless you get some snippin' done, you better watch who you're pokin'. you may just end up looking like a grandpa to your newborn. changing diapers in retirement. not to mention saving for college when you're in your 60s...enjoy!
when it comes to make-up and clothes, my true belief is this: if men aren't jealous, they sure as heck oughtta be. when we have a hicky, who has better resources to cover it up? same goes with trying to look like a live human being after a late night. 9 times out of ten, we have and will use the resources necessary to look great. men will look as if they have just been run over by a truck and then microwaved. clothing brings on an entire new level of jealousy-promoting advantages that women hold over men. women can wear skirts And pants. unless you plan to wander populated areas in a kilt, you're stuck to pants, my man friends. when we're getting dressed up for a nice event in potentially hot weather, we can throw on a light-weight dress. but men? button those jackets and stick on those ties, gentlemen. you're in for a sweat storm. women can wear everything that men can, plus everything they can't. we can wear your boxers, your ties, your tshirts and your basketball shorts. and we look sexy in 'em. no need to point out how things would go down if men were spotted in our panties and tank tops. who's really winning in this arena? ladies, raise your hands.
yes, all of civilization is quite aware that women feel pressured by society to be thin. when we splurge, the pounds stick to our bodies...including our boobs and butts. cha ching! when men gain weight, they can look forward to seeing it primarily on their bellies - not exactly something women lust over. also noteworthy: today's man is also feeling societal pressure to be thin (check out this article). this previously considered female disadvantage is quickly coming your way, guys!
when it comes to shaving, it's generally understood that women have to do more of it. men historically shave their faces, and leave it at that, while women shaved everything below the hips. first of all, let's please point out: this trend is also changing. my world was rocked when i found my brother shaving his chest, and i soon learned of the new phenomenon called "manscaping" - as time goes on and society refines, i feel there is no escaping the manscaping, dear man friends. then let's think of this - men, you like the way our legs feel when they're shaved, right? well, guess what? we do, too! we get the enjoyment of shaved legs under sheets and clothing. when a bandaid is needed in the area, no sweat! what goes on will come off...and pretty darn easily. how do those adhesives treat your legs, fellows? yeeowch.
giving birth - like delivering a baseball through your nose - is surely a daunting, and seemingly impossible, responsibility. those women that tell you they are actually looking forward to the actual moment of this delivery are Lying. flat out. but please do remember that (a) this is an accomplishment that we will always be able to refer back to when we want something from you, (b) we have a great excuse to temporarily get fat, and (c) you couldn't do it even if you Wanted to. we have a whole new excuse to purchase clothing, throw parties, and we look forward to your foot massages.
and finally, you men think we're not as good at sports. first of all - not exactly true. while we're generally smaller and not quite so muscular, we can be fiesty and super fast. best of all, when we beat you, you look extra bad and are sure to be heckled. as far as i am concerned (an admittedly non-coordinated weakling), drinking beer on the sidelines is always more fun anyway.
some added advantages of female life:
- we can take our social scene from the dance floor all the way to the bathroom. the conversation never has to end, and is often times enhanced while in the ladies restroom.
- when we're turned on, you have no idea unless we choose to tell you. we'll never get called out by a tent in our pants.
- we are most certainly going to outlive you, men (check out this article)
- we're better communicators, and allowed to express ourselves freely
- we're significantly less likely to lose our hair - and when ours goes grey, we can cover it up without fearing mockery
- we're not expected to open the door for you
- we can order any drink on the bar menu. good luck ordering the flirtini, guys.
so what does it all mean? it means, my friends, that i will celebrate my vagina with every ounce of estrogen in my body. i will relish in hormonal spikes as i eliminate all chocolate in my path. i will thank you chivalrous men as you hold open the door for me, all the while silently pitying you for having been born with a bit too much testosterone. i will dance in public and i will feast in the warm embrace of my girlfriends. especially while in the ladies room.
any questions?
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