requisite awful moments

over coffee this morning i read the following article on oprah.com by leigh newman: "the 5 heartaches everyone needs to have only once."  you can click to read the article here.

after having read through these 5 moments, i have determined that while we may only need to have each example only once, i have had countless opportunities to experience these suckers.  if i had to guess, i'd say that several of them are burning memories (more than once) in your past as well.

you know.  the "f my life" and "ohmygoodnessiwanttodie" situations in which hiding in the bathroom, under your covers, or in a hefty glass of wine will only get you so far. 

i have re-worked the 5 "heartache" moments in more general terms below, and included examples of my own moments of shame and shittiness. 

hopefully you'll get a chuckle.  thinking back, the only way i survived is through an ability to heartily laugh at myself and my past idiocy.  and the understanding that, while situations such as these are bound to happen again, eventually, yes - we will laugh about it later.

here you go:

Situation 1: you loved them, they did Not love you back.

amy's experience - oh, the horror.  the heartache.  the crying-into-your-pillow nights and the endless, repeated analysis you put your friends through...when what they really want to say is, "he's just not that into you."  there doesn't have to be a reason they're not into you - be it a friend, a man, etc.  sometimes what you think is "incredible chemistry" is actually incredible, one-sided attraction.  and you're that one side.  it sucks.

i once loved (or was it obsession?) a man who, without a doubt, did not feel the same way about me.  i essentially prostrated myself before him, to the dismay and shock of my friends, and turned myself into the unsolicited mat upon which he could tread.  he doesn't call me? doesn't treat me like a lady?  treats me like arm candy that is easily disposed of and traded for the next pretty item of momentary interest?  i made up excuses.  i knew that, once given enough opportunity, surely he would see that we were destined to be together.  that our "chemistry" was so strong, it was undeniable that whatever momentary hurdles might stand in our way (timing, stress, diarrhea...whatever), it was crystal clear that i was the only woman for him.

(buzzer sounds)  yeah...wrong!  i humiliated myself, to him and others, and appeared more than desperate to attain a love that would never be returned.  it sucks.  we all do it, at some point in time.  it hurts.  sometimes physically.  and we remember it.  hopefully, this learning experience helps us to avoid future blindness in one-sided affection in the future.  sometimes...it takes several tries.  eh.  we'll get it right some day. 

Situation 2: you let an opportunity pass you by and seriously regretted it

amy's experience - i was studying abroad, 21 years old, traveling around nicaragua with some of my girlfriends.  we had landed on my favorite place in the world - ometepe, a little island in the middle of the freshwater lake nicaragua.  it.was.stunning.  we were staying in a remote hostel, one which could only be reached by a massive suv, and after checking into our open-air room decided to join the other visitors in the communal dinner, included in our super cheap rate. 

and that's where i met him.  i don't even remember his name.  he was from canada, he was handsome, and i had an immediate attraction.  he sat beside me, we talked, and we made a plan to kayak together in the wee hours of the morning before i was leaving for another nicaraguan city with my girlfriends.

the next morning i woke up, full of anticipation and worry that he just might stand me up.  i had nothing to fear.  there he stood, handsome and tanned, waiting beside two kayaks with a cup of coffee waiting for me. 

we took off, slowly paddling alongside one another with easy conversation.  we paddled around a tiny island about a hundred yards out, and then stopped to lay back and just float as we watched the sun rise.  it felt like magic.  there was definite chemistry.

we paddled on back, sat by the water, held hands and talked about how we could get in touch later.  in a rush, and per his request, i quickly told him what city we'd be in and where we could meet - time, place, etc.  a fool, i gave him no other contact information (email, phone, etc.).  and then, with my friends, i took off for mainland nicaragua. 

i was floating.  i was so excited.  and then plans changed.  i had the option of standing my ground, ensuring that i arrived at the proposed meeting spot, or going with the flow to appease my friends.  i chose the latter.  and i never saw him again.

i am twenty seven now, and still think about that guy.  the mystery canadian, the handsome kayaking partner, who (for all i know) was left waiting around while i never showed up.  i still kick myself for what could have turned into an exciting, romantic, if fleeting experience.

but i learned from it.  i came back from study abroad and started taking chances.  that's how i met my current boyfriend.  after one missed opportunity after we first met (never said i was perfect), the second time around i made sure that he knew exactly how to get in touch.  we've been together more than three years now.  i am so thankful i went out on a limb.  and still kicking myself for letting the canadian get away.

Situation 3: you didn't do your homework

amy's experience - this has happened too many times to count.  especially in college.  showing up in class, or in lab, getting put on the spot only to give a dumb "uh...uh..." clearly bullshit response.  it has happened in my professional life.  submitting proposals i thought looked spot-on, only to realize later i had not read and researched the full extent of the prospective clients need.  it's humiliating.  makes you feel incompotent.  and, for a while at least, teaches you to get your shit in order before you may be put on the spot.

Situation 4: you looked like a disaster in public (humiliation!)

amy's experience - i am sure this has happened to me more often than i am aware, but the one situation that really stands out in my mind happened to me last summer.  in an effort to look my best prior to seeing friends, i went to get my already short hair-cut trimmed and perfected.  and i was in a rush.  my stylist not available?  give me the novice!  my hair would work itself out, and look just as i hoped it would regardless...right?  yeah, no ma'am.

i came back home in a shameful sulk.  i knew it looked bad, but was hoping it would pass by the notice of others.  i tested it on my loving boyfriend.  "ha, ha...don't worry, it's not THAT bad...my little mushroom head."  fuck.  the chick gave me a bowl-cut, for goodness sakes!

so i went back.  immediately.  to the salon, requesting a do-over.  what did that require?  more inches off.  shorter and shorter, until i had less of a bowl cut...and more of a boy cut.  i was horrified.  and had plans to show up to a sporting event with a couple of my beautiful girlfriends and their husbands in less than an hour.

so we went.  and my kind friends assured me that i pulled it off...my "cheekbones really make this cut work."  they were so lovingly lying to me.

even better - we ran into one of my pseudo-exes that night.  it was...spectacular.  horrifyingly so.

the hair grew out.  i learned to master the art of the bobby pin.  but i was humbled.  and now i am slow to judge those who are strong enough to brave the public eye when making a clearly acknowledged styling mistake.  and i never, ever cheat on my hair stylist.

Situation 5: you spoke (callously) without thinking

amy's experience - i wish it weren't true, but this one has happened more times than i can count.  and more times than i would like to (or could possibly) remember.  the times where i fondly compare my dog to a new mother's child.  when i imply that my sister's eventual children may end up obese.  when i told my color-blind boss that, yes, your commentary on this design is un helpful and just plain wrong. 

my current best memory of this has to be from a few weeks ago.  cuddling with my sweet (and sexy) boyfriend, i put my hand on his bum...and then i slapped it.  "hard as a rock, right!?" he joked.  and i responded, "a rock?  yeah, right...it's more like a marshmallow."  *silence....*  "a marshmallow?" ...i knew i said something wrong.  deep down, i know that one should never compare someone elses backside...or most body parts...to a marshmallow.  but i was joking - right? 

yeah...it wasn't funny.

i'd hurt his feelings, and spent the next ten minutes trying to dig myself out of a hole.  only to dig myself deeper.  "well, you know, in this position anyone's bum would feel like a marshmallow...er...you know i love marshmallows.  i love your marshmallow.  would i continually smack it if i didn't love it?  ...er...i'm sorry."

lesson learned?  no more comparing someone's body parts to fluffy food items.  ever.

(***for the record: he has a cute little man bum.  i do love it.  and it does not feel like a marshmallow.)

SO - now it's your turn.  share some of your own requisite awful moments :)  xo - aQ