that's right, i'm asking the tricky question: can you really, and should you really, be friends with your ex boyfriends or girlfriends?
it's a muddled area, the ex arena. there are different types of ex-partners (let's call 'em xp's), different dynamics with each xp, and different definitions of "friendship" that may be sought after a break-up.
the amount of time that passes between a break-up and an attempt at friendship is also significant. do you go cold turkey for a while, and then try to reunite on a non-sexual plane, or do you maintain closeness while struggling to avoid romantic intimacy? all tough questions. and there is no one right answer.
my opinion, however, does exist. there are a few things i honestly have little to no opinion on. this is not one of them. based on my experience, i am unable to be neutral.
and so, here goes...
first off, let's define the types of xps we might have in our checked baggage. was it "official" (did you use the "b" word or the "g" word), was it unofficial but intense, did you use the "l" word, was it hot and fast or warm and drawn-out...did it leave you feeling like a woman, a used mangled napkin, or an angry mountain lion? i've thought about these things, and assembled the following categories of the xp:
the best friend boyfriend/girlfriend: this xp was your everything, and you were theirs. you confided in each other, you knew each other inside and out, and you were probably "official" for a solid period of time. you may have gotten so comfortable with each other that you stopped really dating. perhaps your lives started moving in different directions and your future goals were no longer aligned. to end up together, one or both of you would have had to make major sacrifices, and you weren't willing to do it. another option, one or both of you realized that as so much time had passed you no longer had the "spark" that got you together in the first place. you used the "l" word, and you meant it. but it lost the romance.
the obsession: you fully believed you loved this person, and you threw yourself into it head first. you were willing to give yourself to this person and thought about them endlessly. potentially blind to a lack of compatibility between you or equal interest on their part, these have the tendency to crash and burn.
the friend-lover: you could have just been friends, but there was an attraction. you cared for them as a person, had lots of fun together, and debated whether it might have the potential to be more. but it wasn't. you played the friend and lover card simultaneously, and it never fully bloomed into romance. eventually, one of you found someone that better suited them in the romance department. you were probably never "official".
the intrigue: you dated them for a brief period of time, perhaps a few months, perhaps on and off, but it was never really official. if it did become official, it was probably in an effort to keep them off the market while you assessed their potential. something intangible attracted you to them, and them to you, and it kept the interest going until the intrigue dissipated and one or both of you lost interest. it probably just faded out.
the pass-time: this includes the "accidents", the somewhat attractive friendly "mr. or ms. now" types who suit you for the moment until you find someone better. you may have played at intimacy, but it was never really there. perhaps you were lonely, and you may have even called it by an official title in order to feel more secure. but then it just feels wrong. these can end easily, fading into the distance, or dramatically if they viewed you as more than just a pass-time.
[if you want me to elaborate on any of the above, just let me know and i'll happily do it]
my methodology toward figuring out the potential for friendship with an xp includes a few factors, the first of which is which type of an xp we're talkin' about. the second is the way you felt just after the break-up.
for example: the
pass-time fades out, but you still feel like yourself and there aren't awkward feelings on either side. neither of you had really invested yourselves emotionally, so there is little to no scar damage. if you both enjoy the same bars or restaurants, why not hang out occasionally? it may be yet another way to pass the time when you don't have closer friends available to hang with. and who knows - it may develop into a cooler friendship now that the physical part is no longer complicating things.
on the flip side: you decided the
pass-time was just that - a way to pass time until you found someone more suited to you. the xp resents that, and either thinks you're an asshole or wants the opportunity to convince you that you made a huge mistake...they're the one for you. either way, it's not a good idea to attempt friendship. you'll either set yourself up for a fight, or you're only going to hurt the other person and prolong their pain. don't do it.
same goes for the
intrigue.
next example: the
obsession. in my opinion, you should stay as far away as possible after you detach. there is a desire in all of us to be desired, to be wanted. we also want to "win", to convince others that we are worthy of their desires. if we were obsessed with someone who opted out of choosing us, it's a huge blow to the ego. but it's exceedingly unlikely that we're going to change their mind out of desperation. and even more unlikely that, by trying to be "friends", we're going to maintain those friendly boundaries and not allow ourselves to be walked all over. stay away. friendship isn't going to happen.
the best chance someone has of maintaining a friendship with an xp is in the
friend-lover category. you've clearly got what it takes to be friends, and know each other well enough to know the reasons why you'd never really work out in the long run. this keeps you grounded, and helps to maintain friendly boundaries following the end of romance.
the only caveat in the above - take care in respecting future partners. both yours and theirs. while you may have only innocent intentions, you may be seen to pose a threat to an incoming partner of your friend, or your friend may threaten your new partner. be respectful, and keep your priorities straight.
second to the obsession, the
best friend boyfriend/girlfriend is the next most dangerous territory to navigate after a break-up. there was a mutual love on both sides, and more than likely there are scars left behind. or even open wounds. in this instance, time is the only real remedy if the ultimate goal is friendship. goals need to change, and both parties need to have accepted that getting back together is not an option. it could take months. it probably takes years. there will be pain and both parties need to fully go through the motions and "move on" prior to any attempt at reuniting...otherwise, you run the risk of one of you trying to convince the other that they've changed and you should get back together. normally, people don't change that dramatically. remember the reason(s) you broke up, and hold fast to that. yes, you had an incredible bond. and you may have it again. but the strings of romantic hope need to be cut off entirely before that bond can be repaired.
this type of xp is most often the scariest to new partners. using myself as an example, i'll tell you why. i know that my boyfriend loved someone else intensely before me. they had a strong bond, they knew each other well, and she knew him during a time that i will never have the chance to know him. she saw him grow in ways that i will never see, and is a significant part of his past. she has something on him that i will never have. i get jealous. i know that they will never be back together. i know that i have his present and his future. but i get jealous in thinking about the time she had with him that will never be mine. and i would absolutely feel uncomfortable if they were to be close.
after deciding whether or not you
can have a relationship with an xp, you then need to decide whether you
should. and that, most frequently, involves considering the feelings and opinions of your current or future partner.
finally, let's talk about why friendship with an xp is a
worthy goal.
personally, i think that someone able to maintain mutual respect with an xp shows a certain level of maturity, and it implies they behaved responsibly with the feelings of their past partners. it's a good indication to me that, especially if i'm not positive i see this heading toward forever, i can at least look forward to an enjoyable relationship in which i will be respected.
it's also nice to maintain communication with someone who knows you from the inside out. often times, a break-up leaves you feeling like you now have to start from scratch. that no one knows you like they did, and perhaps no one ever will. wrong. you'll meet someone else and will inevitably learn all about one another. but until then, and even beyond, it's nice to maintain contact with someone who knows what makes you tick. who can provide wise advise. who can listen to your daily dramas and understand. it's just best if the xp you're talking to isn't kindling any of that drama.
i asked some of my friends for their thoughts on the xp question, and i have shared their responses below.
So I really like the idea of being friends with an ex. Especially a long-term ex. I think if you became that close, you shared so many experiences, you hate to just let the underlying friendship disappear into nothing. But I also understand how that kind of a relationship could be perceived as a major threat by future romantic interests. I think from my perspective I look favorably upon guys who still have friendships with exes. Within bounds, of course. But in appropriate context, it demonstrates an emotional stability that I hope someone I would date would have. - anonymous #1
I only have two "official" ex boyfriends. Lots of ex-datees. One "official" ex I count on for help during panic mode, but we don't speak regularly, nor do we hang out. Not sure what we are. When I see the other "official" ex, I want to kiss him, and we also don't speak or hang out. And the others...one is a friend w/ benefits and the others I'm either not friends with, or I'm friendly with but don't really think we are friends. I guess I could have just written....no? --anonymous #2
let's say you're trying to be friends with an ex who had been a significant part of your life (none of this "we dated for a month" stuff): that's like forcing yourself to eat dark chocolate until you get the nastiest strain of food poisoning. Chocolate is great. Delicious. Familiar. Vomit is...well, vomit. It's not good for you to hold on to something that didn't work, in any form, until you've really built up a resistance to slipping back into old habits. - anonymous #3
what has your experience been regarding friendship with xps? do you think it's possible? do you think it's wise? share!
