what i really mean

i was thinking this morning, while my mind wandered on the treadmill, about how often i say things i don't really mean.  seriously.  i do it all of the time.

i made a resolution years ago to stop lying.  not that i was a terrible liar-jerk, but i had the tendency to lie my way out of uncomfortable situations in order to avoid tackling them head-on.  eventually, though, those lies come back to bite you in the ass.  you're either found out, or you become so resentful about something you consistently avoid dealing with that you ruin a relationship.

but that was a tangent.

when i say things i don't mean, i don't consider that to be lying.  i consider that to be lazy communication.  or a softer, more complimentary way of communicating a message that wouldn't sound nice coming out the way it sounds in my head. 

often times, i don't even realize i'm letting loose something i don't really believe.  it's like a reflex.  certain situations prompt superficial responses without any effort or thought going into them.

let me give you an example.  how 'bout several.

i'll set the scene.

walking through through the grocery store, my eyes get stuck on a wildly furry and confusing sweater.  one of those pieces that you can't determine whether it is a joke, an attempt at trend-setting, or just a big fat mistake.  i get caught by the wearer while staring and, clearly, ought to offer some sort of explanation.

"i really love your sweater." is what i say.  what do i actually mean? "what the hell were you thinking when you got dressed this morning?  and what species of animal had to die to create that?"

a friend flakes out on me last minute as i'm just arriving to meet up with her.  i say, "don't worry about it, we can do it another time."  what i really mean, "this is pretty inconvenient and i'm disappointed.  please don't do this again."

i woke up to dog puke on my bed.  my alarm didn't wake me, and i have 20 minutes to get ready for work.  i enter the office, clearly frazzled.  my colleagues say, "good morning, how are you today?"  i say, "great!"  i mean, "i have to say this so you don't think i'm a whiner, and i know you have no interest in the small details of my life.  i'm actually having a shitty morning."

i'm coming home from a night of drinking too much and i'm feeling nauseous.  i walk into the house and discover my boyfriend sitting with a stranger, apparently one of his old friends i've never met.  he says, "hi amy, i'm (blank), nice to meet you!"  i say, "nice to meet you, too.  i'm going to go puke now."  what i mean...ok, maybe that's a bad example.

i get a christmas present i know i'm never going to use.  the giver looks at me expectantly, waiting for a reaction.  i say, "this is perfect!  i didn't even know these existed.  how great."  what i mean, "this box is about to be relegated to the attic because i feel too bad to get rid of it, but have absolutely no use for it."

why do i do this?  i think it's clear.  in business settings, i don't want to burn a bridge...i especially don't want word to spread that i'm a gigantic bitch.  in the setting of friendship it may be a bit murkier, but i generally try not to let my initial disappointment lead to hurt feelings on the part of my friend.  and let's be real.  i'm sure i've pulled the same thing on them.  in a gift-giving situation, it's almost obligatory that you love gifts you recieve.  from anyone.  and everyone.  no matter what.  while the gift-giver may say they kept the reciept in case you don't want to keep their gift, what they really mean is, "i'd be incredibly hurt if you don't appreciate this gift i just spent time and money to pick for you.  don't fuck up the ambiance."

i know that other people do the same thing to me, and to everyone else.  someone says they love my pants, they're probably thinking, "interesting choice in outfit this morning."  i make my boyfriend cauliflour muffins as an experiment, and he says, "these are great, babe.  i'm just not really hungry."  what he really means, "i appreciate your creativity, but these are a big fail.  i'm going to eat a bowl of cereal when you're not looking because i'm starving."  mom tells me, "i love to help you out, and i don't mind cleaning toilets.  i had lots of time this afternoon."  what she really means, "you neglect your toilets and they disgust me.  i just did you a favor.  if you cleaned them more effectively, i wouldn't feel so compelled to do it while you're at work."  ps, i love my mother and the fact that she surprises me with a cleaner-than-i-left it home when she drops by ;)

where is this erroneous communication appropriate, and where is it bordering on a lie?  i'm pondering it.  please do, as well.  feel free to comment on your own examples, and/or your thoughts!