love myths

while drinking my coffee before work this morning i read this article on oprah.com (yes, i read oprah.com...and i think you should, too). 



and i loved it. 

you know those, "ah-ha!" moments when you read the words of someone else, that feel as if you would have either said them, thought them, or are being described by them?  i had one of those moments this morning.

i've said it before, but i don't know that i have posted it up 'till now: i do not believe that "the one" exists.  i do not believe that there is simply one individual in the world specially designed for you, only you, and without whom you will be forever incomplete.  and i don't believe that you have to find fulfillment in romantic love in order to live a complete, happy, and love-filled life.

love is not so scarce.  but i'll delve into that further in a bit.

there is no "the one" - how about "a chosen one"
the first concept opens up all kinds of risks and anxiety-makers that (a) inhibit your own clarity in choosing someone to love romantically, (b) increase the likelihood that you'll pass up a wonderful partner and potential experiences while seeing if there's someone out there who's even more perfect for you, (c) can lead to an inability to enjoy solitude (not to be equated with loneliness) and time with yourself and (d) can dramatically decrease the quality of your daily life.

i won't deny that i've experienced (a) through (d) before.  but i learned from it.

it's a dangerous concept.  so let's throw it out.  consider alternative (healthier) perspectives.
there are billions of people in the world.  effin' billions, friend!  the only thing keeping you from finding someone(s) to love and love you back is you.  period.  i don't want to hear otherwise.

stop your whining.

at the right place and time, i believe, you could fall in place with all sorts of people.  if you know who you are, love who you are, and know what you want at that point in time.  you may have met several possible "ones" already, but if the timing wasn't right (you weren't ready, they weren't ready, the situation didn't promote development) then it's not going to develop.  you're not going to choose each other.  it doesn't mean they're not out there.  and it doesn't mean you're helpless against fate. 

get your ass in the drivers seat and do.your.part.

if you don't know who you are prior to seeking a relationship, you're not going to know what that "you" wants. proceeding in this line, you won't know what that "you" will want and/or need in a romantic partner. so why go on an emotional, empassioned and ultimately disheartening search blindly? it's been said before, and i'll say it again. you have to know yourself, love and accept that self, before you can find a partner who you can (a) make happy and (b) be made happy.

maybe you think you're not attractive enough to find your perfect mate.  redefine your definition of a perfect mate.  find someone you enjoy, and accept the physical (and other) flaws in other people the way in which you would hope for them to accept yours.  nobody is perfect.  even you.  don't expect your future romantic partner to be, either.

maybe you think you're in a bad city, a bad job, a situation in which you have zero opportunity to meet new people.  you're wrong, and you're making an excuse for yourself.  get your ass out and join a community group of some sort.  involve yourself in things outside of your job and your home.  make a damn effort.

i'm guilty
i'll admit it.  i used to have "the list" - line after line of requirements in my future mate.  man, was i immature.

first off - when creating this list, i didn't honestly consider who i was.  the fact that i (along with everyone else alive in the world) am continuously changing.  i didn't really know what i wanted, and so i developed a long, all-encompassing list in the hope that this description would create the ultimate partner who would fulfill me.  that was stupid.

i don't think that all lists are a waste of time.  but can't we keep 'em short?  decide what your "deal breakers" are.  not ten of them.  but a few.  and then go from there.  after whittling out those who are of major deal-breaker material, figure out which gentlemen make you happy.  allow you to be yourself.  stretch you a little, without sapping your self-confidence.  provide support and reliability, without promoting anxiety about their dealings when you're not around and/or feelings toward you.

i am in love with my boyfriend.  and i have dated around.  i know that my chosen man is not the only one with which deep feelings of compatibility are possible.  i've had them prior to him, and i'm sure that if things (heaven forbid) end in this relationship, i will find them again.

i know that he's not perfect.  he's not a complete fulfillment of my earlier wish lists.  but in many ways, he is so much more.  we are real people without make-up artists and editing rooms.  i accept his flaws just as he accepts mine (and trust me, i have many).  we're comfortable allowing our flaws to be seen - this is a big deal.   

he celebrates my strengths as i celebrate his.  we are comfortable sharing our successes with each other without fear of jealousy or resentment.  this is also a big deal.

it all comes down to making a choice.  perhaps every day.  you decide to love someone and you stick to it.  not because there's no one else out there.  but because you have found someone that "fits", that is capable of making you happy while giving you the confidence that you also make them happy.  someone that makes you feel valued and understood.  someone with whom you can visualize a future, someone who ultimately becomes your closest friend through shared experience and trust.  you build a life together.  that is invaluable.  that is an effin' good reason to stick around.  just because other folks out there could have been "a chosen one" doesn't mean you need to try them all out.

but you don't need a man to build an incredible life filled with experiences and trust. 

loving relationships of all kinds, with all folks
another idea i would like to dispell - the need for a romantic partner to experience love.

it is NOT FUCKING true. that idea is unreal. love is everywhere (i sounded like "love actually" there...a chick flick...didn't i?). you can love everyone you choose to love. and loving someone often leads to them loving you back.

love your friends. love your family. invest yourself in them. you can also build your lives together. you accept the same imperfections you would in a romantic relationship, and yours are similarly accepted. you can find the same reliability and trust.

it doesn't take a man. it certainly doesn't take only one man in the whole world.

in summary
i am thankful for my chosen partner, a man who has chosen me.  not because he's the only one out there for me, or because i'm the only woman in the world for him.  we made a choice, and we choose to build on it.

i am thankful for my friends, individuals who have chosen me as their friend.  not because they're the only people in the world i could ever be friends with.  but because we made a choice to be friends, and we choose to build on it.

it doesn't take a man.  it certainly doesn't take only one man in the whole world.  read the romance novels.  watch the chick flicks.  and then pull away, realize these were for entertainment only, and accept the fantastic nature of imperfections, acceptance, and existence of love and loving opportunities in every relationship.

alright.  done with my rant.  over and out.

(feel free to disagree with me - but i may think you're a nut.)