date night

i had a fantastic, much-needed weekend of relaxation and one-on-one time with my main man.

after a "holiday" of running from place to place, hanging in groups and fulfilling obligations, we were both in dire need of some down time.  time to decompress, hold hands, talk to each other, and ignore the rest of the world for a bit.

(don't get me wrong - i loooove social engagements.  but a string of them needs to be followed by "me" time.)

the boyfriend and i did that this weekend.  we relaxed.  together.  our "me" time became "we" time, which - in a wonderful relationship - is often times just as good if not better than "me" time.  it takes little to no effort.  it provides comfort and support at no expense to one another.  it fills my love tank (interpret that how you will).

a few times throughout our relationship, i have feared that things may be growing stale.  that we had found a place of comfort with one another, and were following a routine we had found that worked for practical purposes but did little to bring us closer and/or keep us "in love" - the spark was dimming.

i understand that in long-term relationships this is normal.  the fire grows and fades, but it doesn't have to die.  it can come back stronger than ever if you tend to it appropriately.  it doesn't require brain science and it doesn't take superhuman strength.  in the right relationship, it just takes communication and intentional care.  and so the boyfriend and i have talked about it.

i'm pretty sure that i'm the higher-maintenance "log" in the kindling.  the boyfriend is easier to satisfy.

or so he seems. 

if i think about it, i'm pretty sure that the major difference between us is my sensitivity to our current level of closeness, and to the condition of our "fire". i'm pretty sure that, similar to many men, the boyfriend probably wouldn't remember to tend to the fire unless he started to get pretty effin' cold and realized it had gone out.  i'm not comfortable letting things get anywhere near to chilly.  and so i initiate conversation.

to my great fortune:  my man is a great listener.  and he responds promptly.  my perfect partner, i say the word, and he reacts accordingly.  please note: i try my best not to take selfish advantage of him with my understanding of his aforementioned standard response to my requests.

toward the end of last week, he suggested we try out a new restaurant.  a tapas bar located nearby to our home, one which we had never together visited.  i was excited.  i looked forward to it for days.  we made plans to get there early, planned our day accordingly, and made an effort to look our best for each other.  he.looked.yummy.


settling into a leather sofa in a private area of the dining room, we ordered a bottle of wine and chose a selection of tapas that suited each of us.  we sat beside each other, we held hands, we looked at each other, and we talked.  at one point in our conversation, he stopped and suddenly said,  "i am so in love with you."  after more than two and a half years, that still makes my heart flutter.

i often play games in my head, and i did it that night.  having left to go to the ladies room, i began returning to my seat and stopped, looking at him from a distance from a few moments.  if i were single and in a bar right now, i thought, would i approach him?  would i see him in a crowded room and want this man to notice me?  my answer:  abso-fuckin-lutely.  i am more attracted to him now than ever, and i know that we've still got it.  the spark is alive.  and it's still exciting.

the best part of date night with my man is the fact that, while we can revisit the feelings of our early days, we don't have to worry about how the night is going to end.  we can take comfort in our routinely shared pleasures after the "date" part is over.  we pick up frozen yogurt on the way home.  we put on our pjs.  we cuddle up together (with our pup) and don't worry about whether or not this is going to "work out" - because it is working. 

i don't care that we have to make an effort to schedule date nights.  i love them.  and it still works for us.

let's now open this to the bigger picture.  to the whole of monogamy and the recent trend of keeping things fresh with "date nights".

criticism toward the above trend has developed.  criticism suggesting that, by planning these date nights in advance, couples are forcing one-on-ones and therefore excluding the romantic aspects that used to exist during the earlier days of dating.  that the planning inserts into "date night" a regularity that kills the sexiness of spontaneity. 

i generally disagree, but have to allow for the possibility that some folks just get it wrong.

let me explain my perspective. 

yes, i do believe that date nights can be overplanned.  say, for example, that every thursday evening is sectioned off for one-on-one time with your partner.  does this help or hinder your spark?

i think it depends on the couple.  it depends on how you work together.  is one of you always responsible for the planning?  do you go to the same place, do the same things, every week?  or do you both share in making an effort to insert novelty into your relationship?  do you share the burden of planning and allow your partner (and yourself) to relax, unwind, and enjoy this pre-planned together time?  do you schlep out with your guy in whatever you happened to be wearing, or do you put in some time to make sure you look, and feel, attractive?  does he?

date nights planned in advance are not necessarily synonymous with "routine" - if you do it right. 

planning (one of my many loves), while criticised, is necessary for practical reasons.  restaurant and event reservations.  blocking off enough time with your loved one so that you do not feel rushed.  a set date gives you both something to look forward to, especially if you include an element of novelty. 

don't go to the same restaurant every time.  don't go through the same routine.  dinner and a movie can get old quickly, so why not do dinner and a walk around a developing neighborhood, popping into homes under construction (sometimes risky) or visiting the airport observatory.  how about drinks and shared appetizers at a new bar, or taking a longer-than-usual drive to a highly-ranked restaurant? 

it doesn't even have to involve going out.  why not pick out a new recipe together, get dressed up for each other, and play chef in the kitchen while listening to 80's music?  pull out an old jenga set and grab a bottle of wine.  turn on an old movie, sit in your sexiest undies, and have a floor picnic in your living room.  if you give it some thought, the options are endless.

i stand in support of date night.  i would choose my man again and again if i had to.  and i will not forget to tend the flame.