doctor trickery

as i type this, my finger tips are sweating.  i'm serious.  my face is flushed, my skin is clammy, and my brain is swirling trying to determine an escape route from certain doom.

what doom, you may ask? 

let me tell you a story.

it's a story about a healthy girl named amy.  yeah, that'd be me. 

for the past 4 years, i have eaten healthy, worked out regularly, slept fairly well, and exercised an acceptable amount of care when enjoying sexy time.  i'm young, and in my personal opinion, pretty damn healthy. 

which is the way in which i have justified, for these past 4 years, that i have had no need to bother doctors with performing my annual physical.  waste of time and expense, right?  that is certainly my opinion.

recently, however, someone pulled a trump card.

a family friend, my primary care physician, has been letting me slide all this time.  refilling my two regular prescriptions without much of a complaint, i have had no one forcing my hand (and the rest of me) into the doctor's office to get checked out. 

if the pharmacist indicated that i may need to make a visit to my doc to get some refills, i simply say, "call my doctor, and tell her who it's for."  next time i come in, i flash a healthy girl smile, the pharmacist sees that i have the upper hand, and i'm on my way - Rx in hand.

it seems i may have been taking this for granted.

my doc finally pulled her trump card.  she has decided it is time for me to see her, in the form of an annual physical, and she is holding hostage my regular prescriptions. 

damn!  damn.

i tried the healthy girl smile again.  to no avail.  i tried negotiating.  i fought and lost.

it seems i must, in fact, go to visit my doc.  and so i scheduled this "annual physical" that seems to be required.

the receptionist answered the phone, and i told him what was up.  he acted as if it was all no big deal.

"alright then, we've got you in here for X day at X time, it should take about 30 minutes.  you'll have to fast for 8 hours so that we can perform the blood work...."

my world stopped at those last two words, and i stopped him.

blood work!?!? 

i didn't know i was signing up for that shit.

as i silently weighed the importance of my monthly prescriptions (one of which is the all-important birth control) against my intense fear of needles, the man on the other end of the line continued....

"yes, ma'am...all annual physicals include blood work."

and so, negotiator amy came back into play.

"well, is there an opt out box you can check beside that part?  i'm o.k. with a physical, but i'd rather not have any needles involved in my visit."

"um, no ma'am.  blood work is a mandatory part of any annual physical.  we have to check your cholesterol levels, serum levels, etc."

"trust me, i'm healthy.  it won't be a problem, and i personally don't need to know what those levels are.  i'm not even interested.  can you write a note on my chart, please, to indicate that blood work will not be necessary?"

"um...i don't think that's an option for you, ma'am."

"can we schedule just a check-up, then?  code this meeting some other way, a minimum intensity level so that i can just get my prescriptions refilled?"

"ma'am...you're going to have to get blood work done either way."

bam.  and that was it.  my cards had been played, i was shit out of luck.

i scheduled the appointment, but i couldn't accept total defeat.


so i started doing research. 

i googled standard requirements for annual physicals.  fuck the bloodwork - it was all there.

i called around.  did anyone know of a doctor who would perform a physical without involving needles?

no dice.

it seems, at this point, that next week i am doomed to be stuck and sucked.  in a bad way.

unless....anybody out there know of someone with an option to "opt out"...? ;)

f. me.