the code

today, we're going to talk about the universal code of ethics that ought to be understood and practiced by all women.  this code is critical in maintaining the respect for and of other women, particularly your friends.

karma is a bitch.  so, thou ought not be one.  right?

throughout my female experience i have been witness to many a crime against the code.  and it's never pretty.  although unspoken, there are certain rules which all ladies should live by, and be prepared to suffer for if they choose to break them.

don't put your friend(s) in the situation where she has to say, "back off, bi$%#."  "hands-off" should be self-explanatory in the world of female loyalty.  make smart decisions.  and continue reading...


i've decided to write down a smattering of examples which should provide a decent outline as to the mandates of the code.  after polling several of my wise lady friends, we came up with the following list of "thou shalt not" and "thou shalt", all with the caveat: if your friend has been asked permission and granted it, your window of opportunity has opened and you are welcome to disregard the code in that instance.

...i'm betting the above caveat scenario doesn't happen often.  just putting it out there.  good luck.

and now, without further ado -

the code
established: the beginning of time
termination of contract: the end of time
applies to: all vagina-bearing beings and all those who choose to live a life of femininity

THOU SHALT NOT...

• kiss or have sex with a man with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• talk shit about your friend to men with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• sleep with the father of your friend
• "make eyes" with a man with whom your friend has or would like to sleep with/date
• conceal from your friend facts about spending time with her ex
• occupy the lap space of a man with whom your friend is involved
• flaunt your breasts with the intention of capturing the attention of your friend's lover
• deny that while all may be fair in love and war, pursuing a relationship - friendly or otherwise - with a girlfriend's ex does hurt her
• spend a significant amount of time with a friend's ex (particularly after they just broke up)
• delight in a friend's misfortune just because it boosts your ego temporarily
•  partake in the receiving or giving of back rubs with the ex of your friend
• post cute photos on facebook of yourself and the ex of your friend
• send a congratulatory message to the ex of a friend to celebrate the breakup
• tell the ex of your friend that said friend is having a hard time post-breakup
• tell your friend that her ex is looking great
• tell your friend that the new girlfriend of her ex is beautiful and/or awesome
• become close friends with the new girlfriend of existing friend's ex - conflict of interest
• alert the love interest of a friend that your friend is potentially behaving inappropriately - leave it to her
• allow your friend to puke in public, especially in front of an ex (take her to the bathroom)
• tell your friend how to handle an ex unless explicitly asked to do so
• date a friend's ex immediately following their breakup especially when said friend is a trusted confidant/shoulder to cry on during the breakup process.

• if you shall choose to engage in inappropriate behaviors with the friend's ex, it is 100% acceptable to consider that friendship null and void.  the then ex-friend is additionally allowed to devise creative nicknames such as "slore" (aka, slut-whore) and shout them when walking by your house. 

THOU SHALL...

• be forgiving of spirit and acknowledge the complexity of pre-existing friendships, friendships formed during your relationship, needs, and that everyone makes mistakes
• speak openly and honestly with your friend about missteps, challenges, motivations and hopes
• recognize that you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one
• acknowledge that the greatest risk of loyalty is deceit
• analyze your motivation and consider the feelings of others before acting on impulse regarding the object of another woman's affection
• come up with creative names for ex boyfriends of your friend and the replacement girlfriends
• assure your friend that there was a reason for the breakup in the first place
• make sure your friend looks sexy before going out on dates
• google stalk the men your friend plans to date in order to ensure her safety and sanity
• keep the secrets of your friend to yourself
• buy your friend wine, beer and spirits as needed on hard days
• provide quality hugs in any and all instances required or welcome
• make your friend aware if you think her current man is inappropriate for her - gently
• respect the fact that you will never fully understand everything that went on or goes on in the relationship of your friend
• purchase for or offer to accompany your friend if she needs a pregnancy test or plan B
• tell the truth if you think your friend is behaving in a bat-shit-crazy manner
• love your friend - and tell her so

keep 'em coming!  let me know what we missed, and always, always, follow the code.