sticky situation

let's set the scene.  i'm sitting in bed, light is on, glasses are on, gum in my mouth, book in hand.  i'm reading.  until i'm not.

i wake up at 6:30am to my alarm, and dazedly look around me.  the light is still on.  my glasses somehow ended up on the floor.  there's a book beside my face, a book imprint on my left cheek, and i figure: i must have totally passed out last night while reading.  not entirely abnormal.

i start to sit up and then i realize: my left arm isn't wanting to pull away from the sheets.  we're not talkin' sleepy resistance to movement here.  it was actually stuck.  with my effing gum from the night before.

shit.

i maneuver myself into a position where i can slowly pull my forearm from the sheet, effectively halving the chunk of gum that had been connecting me to the bed.  and it hurts.  when i finally separate myself from the bed, there is a quarter-sized clump of the gooey crap on the bed, and the rest remains on my forearm.  not the way i want to start my day.

the way i figure, a clump of gum on the arm isn't just inconvenient - it's just not workplace appropriate.  so i begin to scheme as to how to remove the glob.

a hot shower is my first attempt.  lots of soap, lots of loofah.  no luck.  if anything, i only succeeded in spreading the glob into a larger, more abnormally shaped patch still connecting and interwoven with my little amy arm hairs.

lost the first battle.  determined to win the war.

as i continue to get ready for work, i stick toilet paper to the sticky mess.  if i tear it off, it'll come - like a bandaid, right?  wrong.  instead, i have a glob of gum plus remnants of toilet paper stuck to my arm.  defeat #2.  but i'm not giving up.

i complete the morning routine, readying myself for work, and hop into the car.  toilet-paper + gum mess still on my arm.  i had searched my home for something my childhood might indicate would work for such debacles.  don't own peanut butter (i only eat it when splurging, and only then when it's in the form of pb plus chocolate).  don't have time for ice.  vaseline, perhaps?  it goes into the purse.

i enter the office and try to stealthily hide my forearm from office folk.  popping into offices for the morning "hello", forearm discreetly located behind my back.  once i'm safely in my office, the vaseline comes out of purse hiding and i apply a generous amount to the forearm.  and then i wait.

i check my email.  i make my oatmeal.  i fill up my water bottle.  i let the gum marinate in the greasy goop.

and then it's time.  and i start tearing.  and it hurts!

by the time i'm done, i have effectively "waxed" ("gummed") a huge area on my forearm.  i have an appendage bald spot.

note: this is not my suggestion as to a unique new hair removal method.

i am maimed, but i have won the war.  i have defeated the evil bedtime gum monster.

now, if only i could figure out how to get the crap off of my sheets...