boundaries

i like to talk about everything.  discuss everything.  analyze everything.  ponder everything.  and share everything.

...well, maybe not everything.

i generally consider myself to be an open book, but have recently discovered that i do, indeed, have some boundaries.  and so this has lead me to explore exactly where these boundaries lay, and how to look for them.

of course, when it comes to close friends and confidants, these boundaries are much broader and perhaps nearing the full circumference of what i even have to share.  but for others, lesser acquaintances, colleagues, friends of friends, my boundaries may create a tighter fence on information i'd prefer to keep closer to my chest.  only between me and my loved ones.

this information may include things i did wrong, ways in which others have wronged me, my disappointments, heartaches, friend and family secrets, silly stories and random opinions.  each piece of information is coded in my brain with certain access allowed only to specific sets of individuals.

when it comes to what's tickin' upstairs in amy land, you may think you know...but you have no idea.

(i'm sure it's the same for each of you)

here's an example.  a good friend of mine had surgery, and i was way too caught up in my own world to remember to be there for her, to support her.  she was disappointed in me, her feelings were hurt, and she was upset.  it was an issue at that point in our friendship.

did i want her to tell everyone else, vent her frustration and then let me be the last to know?  did i want the world to know that i had pulled a shitty-friend move?  no.  no way.  i wanted to be the first to know, so that i could fix my mistake.  a mistake i had never intentionally made...but clearly never made the effort to avoid, either.

my friend, being the wonderful woman that she is, came to me.  she let me know how she felt, we worked it out, and i definitely learned my lesson.  the rest of the world didn't need to know.

another example.  my boyfriend does something that really hurts my feelings.  he doesn't think about it, probably doesn't even realize it, but i'm stewing inside.  do i, when acquaintances ask, "how are you?", admit the truth..."super pissed at my boyfriend."  or, do i glaze over the issue and take it up directly with the man himself?  sure, i might vent to a close girlfriend.  but i would do so only in an environment in which i knew i was speaking to someone who knew my boyfriend well enough to understand that there is much more to him than this one mistake.  i would do so in search of wisdom and suggestions as to how to best handle the situation without going overboard.  i would do it with good and thoughtful intentions.

people not involved have no need to know, and it only complicates things when they're pulled into "the know" realm.  not necessary.

i suppose what i'm getting at is the concept of airing dirty laundry.  there are certain areas in everyone's life that the rest of the world just doesn't need to know.  if someone doesn't know you, doesn't know the people involved in an undesirable situation (aka, they don't care about them), they don't need to know and probably don't really give a damn.  they may pull snippets from what they hear and make judgments of the persons involved, not giving them credit as the well-rounded individuals they are.

sure, i'll talk about poop.  that's entirely my business and if someone gets a laugh or a gasp out of it, awesome.  not hurting anybody.  i'll talk about embarrassing situations in which i am the only victim.  and i'll talk to my close friends about things hurting my heart.

i do draw the line, though.  specifically when it has the potential to hurt someone.  it could be friends, it could be family, it could even be the people i'm talking to.  my boundaries exist so that i do no harm, and so that others will do no harm to me.  the fence blocks from either side.

you may not see my line, because i don't let you cross it.  i tell you only what i deem appropriate for you to have access to.  but i have a line.  i have boundaries.  and i bet you do, too.