in my dust.

i've entitled this post "in my dust" because that's where some things should be left.  in my, or in your, dust.  behind us.  experience it, get throught it, get past it, leave it behind.  the end.  movin' on.

i've got the the topic of forgiveness on my brain today.  i probably should have made it one of my new years resolutions.  perhaps it'll be my birthday resolution...

forgiving those who have trespassed against me.  those who have hurt me, who have abandoned me, who have manipulated, burned, and scarred me.  emotional plastic surgery.  spiritual tumor removal.  exfoliation of the scuffed up outside to reveal the good stuff underneath. 

basically: tossing out the old shit i've been holding on to.  my emotional hoard of crap. 

it's time for an internal spring cleaning, to make room for some new great things.  like new memories from girls nights.  and trips to europe.  and romantic moments.  i believe that memory space in all of us is limited, so why not make some space for those that are higher-quality?

hard as it is, i have found that in order to toss the shit, you have to forgive the shit.  let it go.  easier said than done, i know.

forgiveness is something i find very difficult to sincerely feel.  i'm better at brushing things under the rug, saving them in my storage box of bad memories that i occasionally break out for bitch sessions and pity parties.  i have perfected the happy front, pretending that things are great to peoples faces, while deep inside i feel resentment toward a few key individuals in my life.  even people i haven't seen in years.  i have held on to things that, when i think back to them, bring back up that same pain so clearly to the surface that i feel as if i'm re-experiencing that same situation all over again.

it's masochistic.  it's only hurting me.  it weighs me down.  but we all do it.  don't pretend you don't.

it impacts the way you treat other people.  sure, you can say that you remember to protect yourself from future harm.  in some part, that's legitimate.  self-preservation is important.  but wouldn't it be better to simply retain the lesson learned, and let go of the shit that came along with it? 

i think so. 

as a result, i'm doing some spring cleaning.  it's that time of year.

it all started with my office.

i had boxes of unopened marketing materials loaded around my desk, up along the walls, stacked on top of each other, killing any feng shui that may have otherwise been had.  it made me feel claustrophobic.  scattered.  i didn't want to bring anyone in, because i wasn't proud of the way it looked.  it wasn't efficient, and it slowed me down.

so, i had at it.  i emptied all the shit out, organized what i needed to keep, stored the useful items away, and trashed the rest.  imagine me, 3 inch heels, outside in the rain trying to stomp boxes into submission.  those recycling recepticles really make it tough to fit a 3-dimensional box inside that tiny little slat...

anyway.  it's done.  i've had my "open house", parading my officemates into my space to show off my good work.  and i've been on a roll ever since.

i tackled my personal inbox. 

going through old emails, i found one from 2 years ago.  a potentially explosive grouping of words from an ex lover.  sitting in front of my computer, i found myself in one of those situations in which i could either (a) relive my memories of that incredibly tough time, and hate him for all the ways in which he'd wronged me, or (b) accept his apology once and for all (his letter was one of apology), get past it, and leave it in my dust.

after 2 years, a few re-reads, a few angry tears and a profanity or two, i finally did it.  i chose option (b), and it couldn't have felt better. 

and so i kept going.  i re-read journal entries from my days as the victim of a seemingly evil witch of a boss.  a woman who has prompted me to feel disdain for members of a certain nationality (unfair, i realize).  a woman who has created within me a wish to avoid ever having a female boss ever again in my life.

i read my harsh words.  my hurt words.  thought back through tough scenarios she put me through, and all the ways i had envisioned getting back at her.

and then i thought about where i am now.  and how shitty her life must be if she treats people that way.  and so, without any apology, i forgave her.  i'm letting it go, after having bitched about her for the past 4 years.  she and i are, finally, done. 

there are more examples.  but you don't need to hear 'em.  think of your own.  are they dragging you down?  when you bring yourself back to that time (don't do it!) does it bring back all the shitty feelings? 

my vote: lets leave 'em in our dust.

clearly, as i referenced above, it can take a long while to sincerely forgive.  years, in my case.  but often times those old hurts are the ones that hurt the deepest.  and the fuckin' hardest to chuck. 

it's worth working on.
it's that time of year.  let's try.